Truth In Satire

Donald Trump’s 2018 New Year’s Resolutions

White House source leaks 21 commitments president made for coming year…and we should all be worried

Donald Trump wrote 21 New Year’s resolutions on a legal pad which was photocopied and leaked to the press yesterday. (Credit: cnn.com)

1. Get CIA to blow up Robert Mueller’s car mysteriously. Be in Japan or Thailand or somewhere far away on diplomatic mission when it happens to eliminate any suspicions it was me.
2. Place oil derrick on top of Michelle Obama’s vegetable garden on South Lawn.

Mr. Trump wants to look more like chubby Churchill. (Credit: express.co.uk)

3. Gain another 25 pounds to look more like Winston Churchill.

4. Buy Frito-Lay using taxpayers’ money. Say move is necessary to break up snack food monopoly — fill White House basement with confiscated Cheetos.

5. Decrease world population by eliminating annoying countries like North Korea, Iran, and Moslem Mali (which is in Africa somewhere), making more room for white Christians.

6. Scour Slavic mail order bride websites to find replacement for Melania. Treat America to Harry-Megan style wedding this summer. Guaranteed record TV ratings!