Truth In Satire

Donald Trump’s 2018 New Year’s Resolutions

White House source leaks 21 commitments president made for coming year…and we should all be worried

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  1. Get CIA to blow up Robert Mueller’s car mysteriously. Be in Japan or Thailand or somewhere far away on diplomatic mission when it happens to eliminate any suspicions it was me.
  2. Place oil derrick on top of Michelle Obama’s vegetable garden on South Lawn.
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3. Gain another 25 pounds to look more like Winston Churchill.

4. Buy Frito-Lay using taxpayers’ money. Say move is necessary to break up snack food monopoly — fill White House basement with confiscated Cheetos.

5. Decrease world population by eliminating annoying countries like North Korea, Iran, and Moslem Mali (which is in Africa somewhere), making more room for white Christians.

6. Scour Slavic mail order bride websites to find replacement for Melania. Treat America to Harry-Megan style wedding this summer. Guaranteed record TV ratings!

7. Take three strokes off golf game by increasing practice days to four per week instead of current two per week.

8. Force Paul Ryan to make sex video with Mitch McConnell. Sell to Netflix.

9. Get CIA to blow up Mike Flynn and Paul Manafort’s cars mysteriously. Make this happen during same Japan or Thailand trip as “accidental” Mueller assassination.

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10. Get Vlad to make life-sized matryoshka dolls for dumb-ass Don Jr. and imbecile Eric so they can hide from Feds inside until coast is clear.

11. Keep 2016 voting fraud rumors going to distract the shit out of Rachel Maddow and those other nosey fuckers over at MSNBC.

12. Blame more stuff on Obama and Hillary. Like Moore’s loss in Alabama. Somehow Obama cheated by getting 4th grade black kids to vote down there. Have Sessions open up an investigation.

13. Knock an hour off my three-hour sleep regimen. Need more time for middle of the night tweet barrages to piss off those bozos at CNN.

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14. Find out what Gavin Newsom uses on his hair. Probably some sort of organic California stuff. Have Kellyanne run out and get a tub of it.

15. Skip the life-sized matryoshka dolls for dipstick Don Jr. and lame-brain Eric. Have CIA bump them off in fluky plane crash instead. Better not to have male heirs running around getting ideas in their heads.

16. Really liking these Trump praise-athons from Cabinet members and Republican leaders. Going to schedule them weekly instead of quarterly. AND MUST MAKE REX GROVEL MORE — fucking Texas douchebag thinks he’s exempt.

17. Jail some journalists! Fourth estate, my ass. Time to shake up this democracy and put the screws to the fake press.

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18. Fire Newt Gingrich’s “owl-eyed” wife as ambassador to Vatican. Put Ivanka in there to force more respect from Pope Francis. Prissy dress wearer thinks he’s all holier than thou.

19. Jared is a wimp and a weasel. Totally buckling under Mueller pressure. If I don’t get rid of that snitch pronto he’s going to spill his hymie guts all over Washington. Must speak with Pompeo about quiet way to get rid of the Jew, now that oven accidents are absolute no go.

20. Cancel Kaui timeshare. Haven’t used it in years, plus the Black Messiah is from Hawaii.

21. Pick up copy of U.S. Constitution and read at least first chapter before the Fourth of July to keep those schoolmarm Senators in Congress happy. The legal eggheads who are ruining this country!

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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