Truth In Satire

Doctors Say Really Bad Flu Going Around Could Be Early Stages of Zombieism

Researchers at Loyola’s Stritch School of Medicine warn that dangerous strain of 2018 flu could lead to “living deadness”

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Carl Fuller of Stroudsburg, PA thought he just had a really bad cold…now this.

For the past month, a nasty flu affecting hundreds of thousands of people has been spreading across the nation. With symptoms including a dry persistent cough, extreme body aches, sore throat, and runny nose, doctors thought they were dealing with a common occurrence during the changing seasons — the flu or a stubborn cold.

But, now, aggravated cases in Arizona, Oklahoma, West Virginia, Pennsylvania and Maine are causing real concern in the medical community. “There isn’t a lot in the literature about this, so we’re kind of grasping at straws here,” said Dr. Marietta Rauch, Director of Communicable Diseases at the National Institute of Health (NIH), “but we think we’re actually dealing with a mysterious strain of the flu that could lead to ‘Soulless Corpse Syndrome’ or SCS — what the layperson might call ‘zombiesm.’”

Rauch says that the only historical account of SCS occurred in Russia in the early 18th Century, so there is little written about it. “We know that it affected about 1000 farm families in a remote area of Eastern Russia. We also know that about 1200 people were murdered when the zombie contagion reached it’s maximum stage. What we don’t know is how SCS is contracted and how to stop it.”

Nine possible SCS patients from around the country have been quarantined at Loyola’s Stritch School of Medicine in Illinois for observation, including Carl Fuller, a machine operator from Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania. Mr. Fuller, who spoke to reporters from under a sterile tent in the ICU, had this to say, “It’s hard to describe the sensations in my body — I’m very cold, numb through my feet and torso, and I feel like without these restraints I could stand up, walk stiffly and impassively over to any one of you, and gouge the vital organs from your chests.” The interview ended abruptly when Mr. Fuller’s face began to peel and he snapped the steel binding on one of his ankle restraints.

The Surgeon General is now monitoring the SCS outbreak closely, issuing daily reports to the President and urging Americans to stay far away from Illinois.

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