President Donald Trump had a regularly scheduled physical exam planned for Friday afternoon at Walter Reed military hospital, but it turned out to be anything but routine.
About halfway through the exam, when doctors were doing a rectal screening, they discovered Jimmy Hoffa lodged in the president’s colon, according to the head physician on Mr. Trump’s medical team.
“The president was complaining of a blockage when he sat for bowel movements, something that has apparently been bothering him since 1975,” explained Dr. Malcom Colberg, the president’s personal physician and a rear admiral in the U.S. Navy. “We did a complete rectal probe and found Hoffa tucked up in there. He was dead, of course, somewhat decomposed, and wedged into the president’s large intestine, but definitely recognizable. We were shocked frankly.”
Dr. Colberg said that Hoffa, a labor union leader with ties to organized crime who disappeared in July of 1975, was not the only thing found inside the president’s expansive anus. The Navy physician offered a complete inventory of various items pulled from the commander in chief’s butt cheeks:
- Mr. Trump’s long form 1995 Federal tax return, the document which caused so much controversy during his presidential campaign
- Two tubes of lipstick, one brand discontinued in 2002, another with the initials MM engraved into its brass casing. The president had an affair and eventually married Marla Maples in the early 1990s.
- 12 missing pages from the 1964 Warren Commission Report on JFK’s death
- 3 Titleist ProV1 golf balls believed to have been stashed by the president during errant drives for which he called a Mulligan
- A pair of brass knuckles
- An old Nokia flip phone
- Several fossilized Cheetos
- A Cadillac hood ornament, circa 1984
- Business cards from four unidentified women with phone numbers scribbled on the backs
- An autographed copy of Vladimir Putin’s 2012 book, Strategic Arms and ABM-Systems Closely Linked
- Half-empty tube of Redken’s Stand Tough Extreme Hold Hair Gel For Men
Asked as he was leaving Walter Reed medical center how Jimmy Hoffa ended up inside his large intestine, and why the other items were crammed into his keister, President Trump would only say, “Everybody knows that Obama had a lot more crap than me packed into his black crack. And don’t get me started on the contents of Michelle’s big bubble butt.”
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