Deranged President Says He’ll Hold Planet Hostage Until Ransom Demands Are Met
In unhinged 13-point note, Trump threatens security of the world: “I wiLL UsE ThE NuCLeAr CoDEs AnD FuCK ThIS PlANeT uP!”
President Donald Trump, who’s been locked in the Oval Office for several days feeling besieged by his own party, the press, and most of the world’s population, slipped a ransom note under the door this morning with thirteen non-negotiable demands that must be satisfied in exchange for releasing the planet from many more weeks of unthinkable torture.
The deranged leader says that if his conditions aren’t met within five days, “i‘M goINg TO GrAB tHIs PlANeT bY iTS PusSY aNd SHovE a GaZILliON mEGaTOn BOmb uP ITs pRiVaTEs!”
Full details of Mr. Trump’s letter were not disclosed, but the FBI, which is spearheading negotiations with the unstable leader, did reveal the essence of his ransom note and its thirteen key demands.
ThIS iS wHAt I WanT — dON’t mESs WitH mE!
- I am the President of the United States and I want Fruit Loops in the White House kitchen. Pronto!
- Everyone agrees I won the popular vote by a lot — if you don’t count all the illegals and dead people who voted for Ms. Nasty Cankles. It was actually the biggest victory in history. The BIGGEST. Say it!
- Late at night, I hear footsteps inside the bedroom walls. There’s clicking and tapping and whistling. I don’t know who’s spying on me but they’re definitely in there, no question about it. I want the FBI to rip the walls out and find them. Get on it!
- I demand that more Hollywood celebrities come to my events to fawn over me, which means fewer guys with overalls, John Deere caps, shotguns, and Ford pick-ups. How did I get all these Opie Taylors following me around? End it!
- Speaking of caps, if anyone hands me another red baseball cap that flattens my golden locks and makes me look like a doofus, I want them shot on sight. Shoot to kill!
- Bring me Megyn Kelly along with 14-hours of my best Apprentice episodes. Let’s see that bitch resist me after binge-watching my greatest moments. Watch me bitch!
- I need to be out campaigning again…LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!…man, those were the good old days. Make it happen!
- Get someone over here who can read these stupid Executive Orders to me nice and slow so I know what the hell I’m signing. Now means NOW!
- I can’t believe anyone could live in this mildew-stained old dump. Might have been good enough for the Americoon and his blacky clan but not for this media mogul. I’m moving my base of operations to Mar-A-Lago today. I said today!
- I want old man Bush to skydive with no parachute. I want Dumb Dumb Dubya to paint without brushes…or paint. And I want the Big Galoot to talk to the Mexicans in Spanglish and get them to like me again. I also want Jeb to shine my shoes on Mondays and Thursdays. Shine ’em weakling!
- Every time Mike Pence walks into the room I’m afraid he’s going to deliver a sermon. I want that Jesus freak out and Jared in. There’s only one V.P. in the world for me and that’s my token Jew boy. Bring me my Jew boy!
- Yes, Putin ordered his Russian oligarchs to bail me out of bankruptcy with a $12 billion loan. No, I didn’t pay them back. Yes, he has a videotape of me getting a sun shower from some hot Sochi whores. No, I didn’t see the cameras in the hotel room. And, yes, I promised Putin I’d dismantle the State Department, our intelligence agencies, and NATO in exchange for getting my nut sack back. And, no, he hasn’t returned my beanbag yet. Okay, now you know, so just zip it about Russia. Zip it!
- Fly the Starship Enterprise over here with a crew of attractive underage girls on Friday around midnight (No Kirk! No Spock!). I want a direct flight to the closest inhabited planet within two parsecs that has a decent golf course. And if anyone follows me, I mean anyone, it’s kaboom…bye-bye Planet Earth. I mean it. Kaboom!
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