Truth In Satire

Deranged President Says He’ll Hold Planet Hostage Until Ransom Demands Are Met

In unhinged 13-point note, Trump threatens security of the world: “I wiLL UsE ThE NuCLeAr CoDEs AnD FuCK ThIS PlANeT uP!”

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President Donald Trump, who’s been locked in the Oval Office for several days feeling besieged by his own party, the press, and most of the world’s population, slipped a ransom note under the door this morning with thirteen non-negotiable demands that must be satisfied in exchange for releasing the planet from many more weeks of unthinkable torture.

The deranged leader says that if his conditions aren’t met within five days, “i‘M goINg TO GrAB tHIs PlANeT bY iTS PusSY aNd SHovE a GaZILliON mEGaTOn BOmb uP ITs pRiVaTEs!”

Full details of Mr. Trump’s letter were not disclosed, but the FBI, which is spearheading negotiations with the unstable leader, did reveal the essence of his ransom note and its thirteen key demands.

ThIS iS wHAt I WanT — dON’t mESs WitH mE!


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