Truth In Satire First in Feb 2017
Dear President Obama, Please Activate Those White House Booby Traps Now
It’s time to trigger the snares, nets, deadfalls, and leghold traps you stealthily set before you left the White House.
Hi Mr. Former President,
Sane America here. Boy, are we glad you’re still in Washington.
We know you’ve been working on a book and all, but things have gotten really crazy since you left — we mean, like really crazy — and we think you need to get involved.
It’s life-and-death urgent, actually, or we wouldn’t ask because we know you’re busy.
Okay, so you know that time you met with president-elect Trump in the White House right after the election?
Obviously you figured out right then that Donald Chump is barely able to read, has the emotional maturity of a grade school bully, and a lizard’s understanding of the Constitution. He’s also arrogant, erratic, and unstable. And that sickly orange hue, that just can’t be healthy for anyone.
Now that he’s gutted the Iran nuclear deal, pulled out of the Paris Climate Accord, alienated our oldest allies, and colluded with the Russians, frankly Mr. Ex-President, we’re fucking scared. Not just for our own lives and the lives of our children — which somehow ended up in the Lilliputian hands of this nincompoop — but for the survival of the democratic institutions upon which this nation is built.
That isn’t being too dramatic, is it? As you would have concluded for yourself had you been watching TV last week when Benedict Donald and Rudy Giuliani were slinging lies by the bucketful about this porn star affair (don’t Google it, really, it will make you physically ill), this country is in big trouble.
But you certainly understood what enormous danger we were in the very first day you met the Orange Accident, which is why we’re so sure that you secretly installed “safeguards” in The White House before you left.
You did put the safeguards in, right? What are we saying, of course you did.
Okay, so we’re thinking you probably set the booby traps in concealed areas where they would injure, but not maim or kill anyone, is that right? We figure your goal was to spook the little-handed man and all his moronic minions, forcing them to pack up in a hurry and leave Washington…are we on the mark there?
Assuming that was your objective, we believe this is the ideal time to activate the snares, nets, deadfalls, and leghold traps you stealthily set. We don’t know what kind of delay timers you used, but just go ahead and trigger them now. No point in waiting any longer.
We’ll be ready to back you up on this covert operation as soon as the ceiling nets fall and the leghold traps slam shut, immobilizing a gaggle of Trumps, Conways, Kushners, and Kellys.
And, God willing, you rigged a doorknob grenade or something for that chilling cyborg, Stephen Miller. He has us shitting some giant-sized terror turds here.
Once you’ve managed to flip the activation switches, just send word through the usual channels. We’ll take it from there.
We really can’t thank you enough for this, Mr. Obama The nation won’t forget this heroic act from our black savior and true president.
Signing off for now. Stay close to the short wave.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.
I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.