Truth In Satire

Dear Evangelical Christians, Where In The Bible Does Jesus Say, “Go And Grab Them By Their Pussies?” I Can’t Find That Verse

Conservative Christians reveal themselves as “faith frauds” with their uncritical support of Donald Trump and his godawful views

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President Trump assessing women in the crowd at recent rally with plans to “grope them for Jesus” at a private lunch later in the day. (Credit: npr.org)

With a recent Pew Research Poll indicating that 80% of evangelical Christians voted for Donald Trump in the 2016 election, and three-quarters now approve of the job he’s doing as president, many are asking where in God’s name have these people parked their religious values, if they ever had any?

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President Trump praying with pastors from Las Vegas before heading to the slots. (Credit: newyorkpost.com)

This author was unable to find any verse in the Bible where Jesus Christ is quoted as saying, in speaking about the act of groping women, “When you’re a savior, they let you do it. You can do anything.” Donald Trump however, did admit on a live microphone to grabbing women, but evangelicals turned the other way.

Nor did Jesus say, based on a thorough review of scripture, “I did try and fuck her, she was married.” This, of course, would be considered adultery, a sin, and it is something the president admits to, but Jesus did not. Again, the Christian right condoned this behavior of Mr. Trump’s by giving him their supportive vote in the election, with their continued approval throughout his presidency.

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“Hello, my son, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” (Credit: RT.com)

Of course, the president’s right wing populism can also be described as anti-poor, anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim, anti-minority, and antediluvian, which would all be anti-Christian. Even Pope Francis and the Vatican have condemned President Trump for his hateful views. But the Christian right continues its unbridled praise of the groper-in-chief, who is also referred to in America as King Leer.

But perhaps the greatest display of “faith fraud” and religious hypocrisy by fundamentalist Christians was their recent support of Judge Roy Moore, who is accused of child molestation. Alabama’s evangelical right favored their disgraced lawman overwhelmingly in a December special election for U.S. Senate, following the lead of President Trump who even campaigned for the pedophile judge.

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Hey, Alabama evangelicals, God just phoned in — he says no more supporting pedophiles in his name. (Credit:

Using fake religious arguments to defend the reprehensible sexual assault behavior of perverted candidate Moore, white conservative Christians in the southern state let the rest of America and the world know that something’s surely stinkin’ in their pews down there.

This author is now doing a comprehensive reading of the New Testament to find any evidence of tax cheating, collusion with a foreign power, misogyny, misanthropy, pathological lying, or sexual molestation by the Lord Savior Jesus Christ.

So far, the Messiah appears to be clean, but evangelical Christians are rapidly slipping into disrepute and disgrace for their unbridled support of the immoral president.

If their unquestioned defense of Das Gropenfuhrer continues, many respected Christian faith leaders worldwide say that America’s white fundamentalist bible-beaters will be scorned by the rest of the Christian world, in addition to really pissing off Jesus himself.

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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