Truth In Satire

Congressman Devin Nunes Says He’s Close To Repaying Life Debt To Donald Trump

“The president promised to release me from servitude very soon, after I finish doing his dirty work,” says Trump’s top bootlicker

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According to President’s Trump #1 trained seal, Congressman Devin Nunes of California, he should be released from his life debt to the commander in chief sometime in early May.

“I have a few more dirty jobs to do for the president — drafting more phony ‘vindicating memos,’ undermining the Russia investigation, planting evidence of criminality in the offices of the Democratic National Committee, plus dashing between the Capital and the White House delivering top secret documents along with some Happy Meals — and then Mr. Trump says he’ll free me from bondage.”

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Mr. Nunes says that he fell into a life debt to the president in the middle of the 2016 primary season, when Mr. Trump discovered that Antonio Nunes, Jr. and Toni Diane Nunes, the parents of the congressman, were illegal immigrants from Portugal, having snuck over on a fishing boat from the Azores to California.

Mr. Trump said he would not call Customs and Border Patrol agents on the two elderly illegals if Mr. Nunes promised to do “a few simple underhanded tasks” in the event that Donald Trump became president.

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“I agreed because, like everybody else, I didn’t think there was a chance in hell that Trump would win the election,” commented Mr. Nunes. “When he did I thought, ‘Holy shit, this guy has me by the cojones, he owns me now.’ It hasn’t been pleasant being the president’s doormat for the past year, and I know my political career is over, but right now I just want to get this neck shackle off of me.”

Congressman Nunes said that perhaps the two most humiliating jobs Mr. Trump had him do were to “hand-wash everything in the White House that still had that ‘Kenya smell’ on it, and throw my jacket down on the grass whenever the South Lawn was wet and the president had to walk out to Marine One. I’ve ruined more suits that way.”

Mr. Nunes says he looks forward to enjoying a traditional Cozido a Portuguesa stew with his parents once his life debt to the president is paid in full.


Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

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Thank you.


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