REPORTING FROM ENGLAND 5/29/17: Just as in all other parts of Europe, the talk in England is about the piss poor showing that Donald Trump just made during his overseas tour.
As they watch events unfold in America, all of which seem to be going against the “gormless” (clueless) president, the British have 14 actions that the wally (foolish) commander in chief can implement now if he wants to turn his presidency around.
#1. Spank Jared Kushner publicly. Everyone in Britain hates the nancy boy (soft) son-in-law who is way in over his head in the government game. Now that he’s implicated in “slap and tickle” (hanky-panky) with the Russians, Brits think Trump must be seen through an Oval Office window putting Jared over his knee and giving him the belt. That would help the president win back the nation’s respect. And make Kushner cry, which might put the whole world back on Trump’s side.
#2: Divorce Ivanka, renew wedding vows with Melania. The British are as intrigued and disturbed by the manky (disgusting) behavior of President Trump when it comes to his daughter as Americans are. They believe the colonies need its First Lady, the way Britain needs its Queen. The colony must have a legitimate national mother figure (or in Melania’s case, a nice figure), not the slinky object of that naff (tasteless) president’s pornographic incest fantasies. If he wants to win back the support of American women, the Brits insist, he must stop shtupping his daughter and start shagging his wife.
#3: Up his ADHD drug dosage. “Trump’s like the poster boy for this condition,” said one country farmer outside of Manchester. “This todger's hyperactive behavior has all of America on tenterhooks watching his every move, ready to leap the minute he reaches for the nuclear launch codes, or even a light switch. He must take his medication, so his people can relax.”
#4: Improve his reading skills to a 4th grade level. “IT IS SO FECKING PAINFUL WATCHING HIM READ A TELEPROMPTER,” offered one school teacher in Stamford, England. “He needs to stop trying to sound out words and go get some remedial reading help. Then he might convince some people that he actually believes what he’s saying.”
#5. Eat crow. This suggestion from a retired RAF pilot wasn’t meant as advice to Trump that he admit to his many wrongdoings. The man was recommending that the president actually start eating crow. Literally. The foul-taste of the black bird, as prepared in the countryside of England, is said to decrease appetite and help with much-needed weight loss. “He needs to look in the mirror,” said the airman. “He’s obese, and he’s putting everyone off.”
#6. Leave America every week. The Brits can’t understand how American citizens can recover from one nerve-wracking political scandal to the next national security leak, followed by obvious collusion with enemy conspirators that threaten to bring the States to the brink of collapse. “When he goes overseas, Americans might finally have a chance to catch up on their sleep, keep some food down, and exercise regularly to reduce the stress of that cadger’s constant threat of launching Armageddon,” said an architect in Reading, a well-off city a few hours from London. “He needs to go away. Preferably far away.”
#7. Hire a fixer fellow to take out the dangerous Mike Flynn. The British seem to know a lot about spies, and they’re fascinated by the role of the sinister spy, Michael Flynn. They’re thinking that the disgraced National Security Adviser might conveniently disappear in a suspicious boating accident or burn to cinders in a massive car fire. They contend that there will be no recovering from a chatty Mike Flynn. “If that bloke talks,” added the RAF pilot, “your orange-tinged leader will get a stiff sentence — 30 years of golf in the inmate yard of one of those high security American prisons in Okladakota or Kansarado or the like.”
#9. Stop tweeting about Rosie O’Donnell. That’s one the Brits are completely flummoxed by— that Trump is allowed to tweet at all. And about a washed-up comedienne, no less, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Meryl Streep, or Alec Baldwin. They can’t believe a national leader would waste his time arguing online with singers, actors, models, beauty queens, or any other random celebrity. “You’re the fucking President of the United States, goddamn it, not a callow, star struck teenager,” say the British. “STOP TWEETING! STOP IT!”
#10. Memorize your silly pledge of allegiance and say it ten times a day. Nobody anywhere in the world believes he didn’t collude with the Russians to influence the election. Nobody. The only way to climb out of Putin’s pocket at this point, believe the people of England, is for Trump to convince people in his own nation that he actually gives a rat’s ass about them. And the best way to do that is to master something very patriotic that everyone else in the country hates. “Over here, that’s singing the lyrics to God Save The Queen,” offered a cabinet maker in Leeds. “If he learns the American pledge of allegiance, and says it in front of the cameras every chance he gets, he might have a chance. Of course, then he would have to put his hand over his heart, and we’re not sure he has a heart.”
#11. No more Bannon blood transfusions. “It’s obvious to us that the smegger Steve Bannon has convinced Trump to do the vampire thing,” said a conservative Member of Parliament (MP), who spoke off the record in London. “But once he sucks, ingests, or otherwise infuses his blood with Bannon’s, he immediately shows signs of having the same crazy advanced brain disease that his adviser has, along with the depraved power impulses. It’s like our Mad Cow Disease over here. Makes you a complete nutter. If he absolutely must plasma suck, he should make it peaceful plasma — from someone like the Dalai Lama, or Sam Smith, maybe Adele.”
#12. Clarify that he meant to say “I am going to build a really big border mall, a gorgeous mall, the best mall ever.” His Mexican wall idea was bonkers on every level, say Brits. No one in America wants the damn thing, not even people who build walls. But he has an easy out. He’s a real estate developer, right, they ask. So he can just give a speech and say he’s ready to build the world’s largest border mall. His border mall between the U.S. and Mexico will give America’s construction industry a boost, increase commerce between the two nations (maybe something for England, too), and add up to 150,000 jobs for the colonies. Some knowing Brits said it could be called, “The Trump International Mall And Taco Stand.”
#13. Get it through his thick skull that “being a player on the world stage” does not mean you’re getting a new reality TV show. “It means that he’s the president of a world power and that he must act accordingly, and responsibly,” continued the MP. “It means that those ridiculous Apprentice and Celebrity Apprentice appearances are over, toodle-pip, gone, goodbye. It’s time for him to grow up and work to earn higher ratings for America’s people on the world stage, not himself. Because if he doesn’t, the United States will be forever canceled…along with my blessed, albeit shrinking, British Empire!”
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.