Truth In Satire

Comey Pleads “Don’t Leave Me Alone With Trump” After President Grabs His Pee Shooter

Former FBI Director begged Attorney General Jeff Sessions to protect him from President Trump’s inappropriate advances

According to a New York Times report, former FBI Director James Comey pleaded with Attorney General Jeff Sessions to protect him from Donald Trump’s improper sexual advances saying, “Please don’t leave me alone with that predator!”

Comey told Sessions that he had met with the president in February and several times afterward, and that Mr. Trump “always asked for a ‘private meeting.’” The FBI chief grew increasingly suspicious after one such encounter when the president tried to thrust his tongue into Mr. Comey’s ear and French kiss him.

Comey is said to have told Sessions back in February that he considered the president’s sexual advances “outside of the realm of normal,” and that they were distracting him from doing a thorough job with his investigations.

The final straw came during a private meeting in early March, when the two men were having lunch alone in the Oval Office and Mr. Trump reached under the table to fondle what Comey discreetly referred to as, “my pistol.”

When President Trump finally fired Mr. Comey in early May, the former FBI director told friends and several agency colleagues that he believes he was not dismissed because he mishandled the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails, as the president has claimed, but rather because he spurned Mr. Trump’s sexual advances and romantic propositions.

“Like his own wife, I had no interest in sleeping with the president, holding his hand, or rubbing bronzer on his face,” Comey told an FBI agent who spoke repeatedly with the former director after he was terminated, and who shared Comey’s stunning revelations with the Times. “That’s why I was fired, not because I wasn’t doing my job well,” added Comey.

Asked to comment on Comey’s allegations, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said, “While the president considers James Comey a good-looking man, these reports of him trying to put the moves on the former FBI Director are ludicrous. Mr. Trump already has a boyfriend, and he is very happy with the relationship he currently has with Mr. Putin.”

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