Truth In Satire

Choir Boy Gets Even With Pastor Who Refused To Gush Over His Tax Bill

Paul Ryan fired Rev. Patrick Conroy for hinting that the Speaker’s tax plan steals from the poor and gives to the rich

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Paul Ryan, a religious man, smugly smiled on Thursday as he fired a pastor who advocated for the poor. (

ongressional boy genius and consummate weasel Paul Ryan fired House Chaplain Patrick Conroy on Thursday after the pastor suggested that the Speaker’s shiny, new tax plan hurt the poor.

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Chaplain Patrick Conroy was given the boot by a sulky man-boy who didn’t get the love he always wanted. (Credit:

Conroy, a Jesuit priest who has been ministering to House members for the past seven years, had hinted in a prayer given last fall that Ryan’s beloved tax bill favored the rich while putting even more of a financial burden on those who “continue to struggle.”

Speaking directly to God later that day, the chaplain went on to say, “What’s wrong with this man, Father, why is he so fond of stealing from the poor and fattening the rich? And it is he and the Republicans who claim to be the devout and pious ones. Forgive me, Lord, but I think they are all hypocrites who are only in government service for the money. There is no charity in them. No love. And this fellow Ryan might have the blackest heart of all.”

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Often compared to this vampire child, Mr. Ryan also survives by sucking blood from other humans. (Credit:

When asked about the abrupt firing of the pastor, Mr. Ryan offered a brief statement: “Patrick Conroy is a good man but he’s giving members of the House the wrong idea about the best way to govern. If we followed the chaplain’s plan, nothing would trickle down to the poor because the wealthy would have less to trickle with. That’s why my tax plan is so positive. It allows for ‘maximum trickling.’ The reverend just seems to ignore this fact during all his prayers, and that isn’t fair.”

It is not yet known who will replace Patrick Conroy as House Chaplain, but it will likely be someone who, as Mr. Ryan put it in his statement, “has a more generous attitude toward the welfare of the wealthy and isn’t always coming down, very unfairly, on the side of the penniless and poverty-stricken.”


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