Truth In Satire
Calling It “New Year’s Gift To The Nation,” Trump Names Himself To Supreme Court
In a NY Times interview, president declares “absolute right” to nominate himself to court and take dual role of POTUS-SCOTUS
In a dramatic year-end move sure to draw sharp criticism from constitutional scholars, invite outrage from Democrats, and scorn from the nine current Supreme Court justices, President Donald Trump named himself to the highest federal court in the land yesterday.
“I have to do this to Make America Great Again,” the unconventional president told the New York Times in a far-reaching interview on Thursday, just a few days before the new year and as his second in office begins. “Without me controlling the courts, this country is going to go down the tubes, everyone knows that.”
During the interview, which took place at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida after the president had finished an America-boosting round of golf, Mr. Trump said, “I have absolute right to do what I want to do with the Justice Department, as well as with the judicial branch. And, right now, the Supreme Court needs me.”
When told that he had no constitutional power to name himself to the Supreme Court, and that in doing so he would create an additional judgeship, putting ten judges on the court, instead of the constitutionally dictated and historic nine seats, the president responded, “Look, these are very dangerous times, and we have to try some new things to keep America safe, white, and Christian. Our way of life is being threatened and I am the only one who knows how to protect the nation. The threat is now at our doorstep which requires me to create the dual position of POTUS-SCOTUS. You’ll see how America responds, they’ll love it. Very new. Very big. Never been done before.”
Asked to comment, Alan Dershowitz, the celebrated Harvard-trained lawyer, author, and general loudmouth, yelled: “It’s a bold move, no doubt. It’s also going to trigger a constitutional crisis unlike any this nation has ever known before. I’m absolutely opposed to this brazen, meddlesome decision by the president, but the legal controversy should assure me a nightly appearance on CNN and MSNBC, so let’s let this play out, see where it goes.”
If President Trump does succeed in his bid to become the tenth Supreme Court justice, it is not yet known what would happen if the court should be deadlocked in a 5–5 tie on a major judicial decision.
But Ruth Bader-Ginsburg, the 84-year-old Supreme Court justice, who is known affectionately as “The Notorious RBG” by her adoring fans, said it will never come to that.
“Let him just try to name himself to this court,” said the feisty, Brooklyn-born judge. “I’ll personally see to it that his fat ass is so f**king sore, he’ll never be able to sit on any chair, much less occupy a seat on the Supreme Court. What an ignorant moron this guy is. ”
America is nervously standing by to see if President Trump has any more end of year gifts to bestow upon it.
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