Truth In Satire

Breaking: President Asks TV Preacher Joel Osteen To Pray For Mar-a-Lago

Begs televangelist: “Please ask the Lord to keep poor people away from my glamorous beach resort and not use it as a storm shelter”

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The two “men of God” closing their eyes and raising their arms in a caricature of religious reverence. (Credit: www.telegraph.co.uk and themillenialsnowflake.com)

President Donald Trump turned to White House Spiritual Advisor Joel Osteen on Saturday and asked him to pray for Mar-a-Lago, the real estate tycoon’s upscale beachside resort in Palm Springs, FL that sits in the path of Hurricane Irma.

“I asked Joel, a great guy really, to appeal to God for help in keeping local residents from marching into my winter White House and turning it into their own personal Romper Room,” said the president, speaking from Camp David, where he is monitoring the deadly storm with members of his cabinet. “I support people finding shelter, of course, but not in a glamorous golf club like mine where wealthy members are paying $200K a year to join.”

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Mar-a-Lago may need an intervention from God to be saved from the wrath of Hurricane Irma. (Credit: bornrich.com)

Mr. Osteen, the controversial televangelist based in Houston, was recently criticized for not opening his 17,000 seat megachurch as a safe shelter for those evacuated from their homes during Hurricane Harvey. The publicity-seeking preacher said he responded to the president’s request by phone: “I told Mr. Trump that I would certainly appeal to the Lord on his behalf, because I understand how important it is for him to protect his magnificent resort, just as it was for me to safeguard my glorious megachurch, out of concern for future revenue generation.”

The president named Mr. Osteen his religious and spiritual advisor only last week, in a move that many in the fundamentalist Christian community think might have ulterior motives.

“Is it a goddamn coincidence that Joel’s got a 3-handicap and needs a nice place to stay when he’s visiting his faithful in Florida, and the president needs a couple million evangelical votes in the next election? I don’t think so,” said a black preacher from Alabama, who was not asked to join the president’s spiritual advisory team despite supporting him in the last election. “I guess Joel’s money speaks louder to the big man in the sky than mine. Fuck ‘em.”

Hurricane Irma is expected to hit the Florida coast on Sunday morning at which time televangelists around the country will be leveraging the Biblical-sized disaster to maximize their faith day fundraising appeals.

Author’s Note: I have been criticized in the past week for making light of the destructive and deadly storms that have hit the United States. Yes, it’s true, I’ll try to find humor in anything and I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone. That said, if you must sandbag your home against rising floodwaters, it is best to stack Republicans in the path of the surge because they are heavier, thicker, and less likely to budge.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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