Truth In Satire

Trump Says His Philandering and Predatory Behavior Make Him “Even More Presidential”

Cites “historic document” purported to prove that the Founding Fathers were “nothing but a bunch of perverts”

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Trump says powerful men have been “grabbing p — sy” wherever and whenever they like since the birth of our nation.

At a hastily called press conference on Sunday morning, just hours before the second presidential debate to be held in St. Louis, candidate Donald Trump proffered a document that he claimed “contains numerous accusations of serious sexual transgressions and licentious acts by America’s Founding Fathers,” including John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson.

Trump displayed the document, which appeared to be printed on parchment paper, multiple times during the 20-minute press briefing held in the lobby of Trump Tower. However, the beleaguered candidate refused to circulate it for inspection by the attending press corps, citing his lawyers’ advice that he protect this “priceless national treasure” until after the election.

Reading directly from the document, Trump listed accusations directed at the man who penned the Declaration on Independence, Thomas Jefferson, as well as several esteemed signers of the Constitution. Here are just some of the ostensible claims quoted by Trump:

“Mrs. Laura Martin of Concord, MA, stated that John Adams made an ‘unwelcome thrust at her honey pot’ whilst visiting the shop of furniture maker, Morris Glendale.”

“Thomas Jefferson invited Cecily Van Buren, the wife of Conrad, an uncle of future president Martin Van Buren, to Monticello at which time he moved on her ‘like a tomcat on a full moon.’ Cecily spurned Jefferson’s advances and ran from the guest parlor with her ‘petticoat and bodice askew.’ Confronted weeks later by Mr. Van Buren, Jefferson stated that Cecily had stuffed freshly picked cotton bolls into the lace of her bodice and the ‘false swell of her breasts made me as frenzied as a hound on fox scent.”

“While attending a diplomatic meeting in Versailles, Benjamin Franklin surreptitiously cast his eyes on the exposed legs of Miss Polly Pringle as she bathed. He later commented to his footman Laurence Rospier, ‘Oh, those long, lithe limbs — all I can see in my mind’s eye is that denuded thoroughbred.’ To which Rospier replied, ‘Yes! The Ben is going to succeed in his seduction!’ Mr. Franklin then took a drop of oil of peppermint on his tongue and told the footman, ‘This is just in case I kiss her. You know, I’m drawn hopelessly to beautiful — I just start kissing, I can barely restrain myself. And when you’re a Founding Father, they let you do that. You can do anything, including fornication.”

Trump then went on to recite a vulgar story about George Washington removing his wooden teeth so he could “better engage the ‘dewy mound’ of his cook’s daughter,” a 13-year-old ingénue by the name of Betsy Logan. According to Trump’s account, our nation’s first president later bought the silence of the Logan family with today’s equivalent of about $400 in Continental currency.

After reading from the parchment, a smug and seemingly vindicated Trump asserted that the leaked “Access Hollywood” videotapes merely showed that he was following in the footsteps of many famous white American men and that he should be congratulated by the Republican Party and the media, not castigated. He left the podium without taking questions after suggesting that he might share more of the document that “thankfully came into our hands at just the right moment,” and that it would “prove beyond a doubt that Alexander Hamilton, John Jay and James Madison were also after as much cooch as they could get their powerful patriotic hands on.”

The second of three debates will be held at 9pm tonight at Washington University, moderated by CNN’s Anderson Cooper and ABC’s Martha Raddatz using a town hall style format. It is not known what impact the “discovery” of this alleged historic document might have on the debate or how Hillary Clinton might respond. There was no comment from the Clinton camp.

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