Truth In Satire

Before Sentencing, Weiner Asked Judge For Leniency Based On Lewd Last Name

Former NY congressman told the court that his regrettable surname left him no choice but to become a sexual pervert

Anthony Weiner argued in court that emotional trauma related to his surname lead him to frequently text photos of his schlong. (Credit:

Former Democratic Congressman and New York City mayoral candidate, Anthony Weiner, received a sentence of 21 months in prison on Monday for texting salacious photographs of himself to a teenager.

Once a Weiner, always a weiner. (Credit:

But before sentencing, Mr. Weiner pleaded for leniency, telling Federal District Court Judge Denise L. Cote: “My regrettable last name jinxed me, your honor. You have no idea what being a Weiner does to a man — it inflated my ego, as well as my Johnson, turned me into a sexting hotdog, and essentially made it impossible for me to become anything but a sexual predator.”

But Judge Cote rejected Mr. Weiner’s claims of “suffering from a surname scourge,” and gave him a stiff sentence. He will not be doing hard time, however.

Weiner sexted the bulge in his pants to a teenager while his son slept beside him. The judge deemed this “blatantly poor parenting.” (Credit:

Before the court issued its sentence, lawyers for Mr. Weiner vociferously defended his claim of having a cursed last name, saying the former Congressman had been baited all his life for the suggestive surname, and struggled to live up to the many pornographic nicknames given him by family and friends, including: Anthony the Anaconda, the Joystick Jewboy, Wee Willy Weiner, Tony the Tonsil Tickler, Weiner the Wonder Worm, and the Brooklyn Broomstick.

Later in life, he was plagued with taunts like Congressman Cock Rocket, Mayor Meat Muscle, General Weiner and His Two Colonels, and the Commander In Beef.

Mr. Weiner has until November 6th to surrender to federal authorities. It is believed that he’ll serve his time at the federal prison in Ossining, NY, where he’ll assume the name “Carlos Danger” — a pseudonym he created while sexting — and instruct fellow inmates on using their anal impalers to increase their pleasure while in the shower.


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