Truth In Satire
Band Of Hillbillies Gains Access To White House — President Safe But Nation In Peril
Dimwit goobers run amuck, slash paintings, tear up Lincoln bedroom, leave booze, bullets, and butts in Oval Office
A small band of hillbillies infiltrated the White House for several hours on Wednesday night, slashing historic paintings, trashing the iconic Lincoln Bedroom, leaving empty beer cans, as well as bullet casings and spent cigarette butts in the Oval Office.
The three are believed to belong to an ultra-conservative, gun-loving, white supremacist group known simply as “The Teabaggers.” They were later identified by the Secret Service as Sarah Palin, a well-known Tea Party conservative and fundamentalist Christian who most recently resided in Alaska; Ted Nugent, a former musician mostly known to law enforcement as a Rambo-type hunter and potty-mouthed redneck agitator (Nugent was also investigated in 2012 for calling Barack Obama a “mongrel” and threatening his life); and a third hillbilly, Robert Ritchie, who goes by the name of Kid Rock. Little is known about Ritchie, other than that he enjoys country music and guns.
Details about the trio’s rampage through the White House are still sketchy, but several eye witnesses say that President Trump might have actually helped the three gain access to the property by leaving a back door open so they could slip past security. That report is not confirmed.
A Trump administration insider, who was not on the White House grounds when “The Teabaggers” entered, said he believed that the president might even be acquainted with the disreputable threesome of yokels from his days as a reality TV star and low-life, self-righteous bigot himself.
In what the Secret Service believe was a four hour breach, the three hicks raided the White House refrigerator, ate a meal off the President’s formal white china, laid on the beds in the private residence, drank beer and smoked cigarettes in the Oval Office, fired a small caliber pistol at several one-of-a-kind marble busts, and took selfies in front of official portraits of former American presidents and first ladies.
One selfie, posted to Facebook, shows the tattily dressed, classless trio clowning around in front of a portrait of former First Lady Hillary Clinton, while making crude gestures.
“We do not know how they got in or exactly what they were doing here, but we do know these three bumpkins had no business being in the White House,” said Walter N. McIntyre, Secret Service Agent in Charge of White House security. “And if, in fact, President Trump had something to do with allowing these hooligans within such close proximity to countless national treasures, we would have to speak with him about the wisdom of aiding and abetting reckless rubes like these.”
Agent McIntyre added that there is concern within the Secret Service about allowing Trump Senior Adviser and notorious hothead Steve Bannon easy access to invaluable national treasures, as well.
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