Truth In Satire

Founding Fathers Explain Their “Great American Experiment” To Donald Trump

Signers tell president that his “alternative experiment” is probably not in the best interests of the American people

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The Founding Fathers did not gather in a hot, smelly room in Philadelphia during the summer of 1776 just so Donald Trump could come along and tear down the foundations of their democracy in his first year.

America’s Founding Fathers are watching with alarm as President Donald Trump seems hellbent on unraveling the basic tenets of American democracy with little thought about the consequences.

They’ve each composed a brief note to the new president along with a not-so-subtle invitation for him to come see them privately, posthaste.

A Letter To President Donald J. Trump from the Founders

We, the Founding Fathers of America, in the interest of creating a more perfect union — not one crippled by incompetence — do hereby record these missives to the 45th President. May they be heeded, because we know they are needed.

George Washington / Virginia

Sir, it is critical that you associate with men of good quality, if you esteem your own reputation. Also, be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.

It is also wise to spend more time reading and less time making the sound of chirping birds. And, never forget, a powdered wig is acceptable, while an orange comb over is not.

John Adams / Massachusetts

Hear me now, Donald: facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.

By extension, “alternative facts” are not things. Neither are partial truths, optional honesty, or occasional trustworthiness. So just get over that bullshit right now, mister.

Thomas Jefferson / Virginia

I have simple words for you, Mr. President:

One, honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom, so covet honesty.

Second, when angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, count to one hundred.

And, finally, don’t fuck with my Constitution. It took me a really long time to write the damn thing.

James Madison / Virginia

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, sir, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy — like the Mexicans, or ISIS, or the Scotsmen who hold the lease on your golf courses.

Be very careful with this guise, because the means of defense against foreign danger historically have become the instruments of tyranny at home.

Alexander Hamilton / New York

I have limited wisdom to offer you today, young man, but it is valuable nonetheless: those who stand for nothing fall for anything …and you are in grave danger of playing the fool in this drama.

Second, when I said, “A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing,” I was clearly talking about national, not personal debt. So pay your damn taxes, you disgraceful swindler!

Now that we have that behind us, any chance your New York friends can score me a couple of Hamilton tickets, center orchestra?

James Monroe / Virginia

I have said that it is better to spread trust all around than to hand out money! And now I say the same to you, sir.

Gold curtains in the Oval Office and gilded everything else is just kitschy, Mr. Trump. Even I know that and I was born in Virginia, not exactly the epicenter of interior design innovation or fashion sense.

Benjamin Franklin / Pennsylvania

You may laugh at these words, Mr. Drumpf, but I wrote them for men like you: A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one.

Which is my way of endorsing the advice of Mr. Washington and Mr. Jefferson that you grab a book once in awhile instead of those other things — a habit which is both uncouth and beneath your office. (Although, like you, I will admit to being partial to “foreign flavors” in regards to women).

John Jay / New York

You appear to be a man who will do anything for attention. But, understand, you do not attract love and attention through clownish acts. The only way to be loved is to be and to appear lovely; to possess and display kindness, benevolence, tenderness; to be free from selfishness and to be alive to the welfare of others.

Speaking of kindness, no more imitating the disabled; on benevolence, be thoughtful of non-whites because black lives do matter; and regarding the welfare of others, don’t mess with Obamacare.

Above all, you must obey the law. There is no compromise here. You can cannot break the rule of law. Look at me, Donald! What did I just say?


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