Finally scratching his seven-year-itch to repeal Obamacare, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ended weeks of secret meetings to draft a revised health bill that is even more sadistic than the measure Paul Ryan and his House cronies put forward in May.
“Mr. Ryan and I had a vigorous competition to see who could decimate the Affordable Care Act more ruthlessly, and I do believe the Senate won,” said a smiling Mr. McConnell while announcing his bill on Thursday. “We’re also thrilled to have the support of President Trump who has now changed his mind about our bill being ‘mean,” and is now calling it “sweet, kind, and generous…to health insurance companies.”
Thoroughly enjoying his party’s efforts to dismantle President Obama’s signature health care plan, despite the fact that it would leave tens of millions of the most vulnerable Americans without health care coverage and fail to lower premiums, Mr. McConnell took congratulatory calls from the CEOs of major health insurance providers throughout the afternoon on Thursday. The new House and Senate measures would reduce costly regulations burdening health insurance companies and dramatically increase their profits.
“I’ve heard from many of my wealthy constituents and it’s clear they really love our revised health care plan,” said Sen. McConnell. “There’s nothing quite so satisfying for me as Senate leader than to gut to the bone entitlements like Medicaid, while ensuring that my treasury is full in preparation for the next American election cycle.”
Asked about disturbing images of low-income and disabled protesters being removed from outside his offices on Thursday, McConnell answered, “I think they’ll calm down when they see how fair we were in making cuts to Planned Parenthood and Medicaid, and dramatically reducing tax credits for middle-class Americans who buy their own insurance. They’ll quickly realize that they’re going to be no worse off than other Americans — our plan hurts everyone equally, not just the poor. It’s very equitable.”
Congressman Ryan said he was surprised when he saw the Senate plan “at how little they changed our House bill, other than to make it even more painful for average Americans. I just didn’t think Mitch had it in him, to be honest. He’s got more ‘smack-down-the-little-man’ in him than I thought.”
Asked about the Senate version of the health bill while spending the weekend on a golf course in Virginia, President Trump called the 142-page proposal, “really long for legislation I could have summarized in three or four tweets. Now step aside as I go for my sixth straight eagle of the day.”
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