Truth In Satire

After Trump Calls White House “A Real Dump,” He Tweets Its 17 Biggest Flaws

President says official home is “a total shit shack — if I didn’t know better, I’d say 43 other families lived here before us”

President Trump shoving an Oval Office door open with his shoulder because “the doorknobs in this place were touched by all those early presidents who probably wiped their asses with tobacco leaves.” (Credit:

President Trump has endured intense criticism since calling the White House “a real dump,” as reported in last week.

Mr. Trump said the corners of his office “smell like cat urine — I’ll bet Grover Cleveland stroked a few pussies in here.” (

The 55,000-square-foot mansion at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, which has been home to first families since 1805, apparently does not have the opulence that Mr. Trump and his family are accustomed to in their 53-room Trump Tower penthouse and the luxurious Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida.

After his swipe at the official presidential home went viral, the “Commander In Tweet” felt compelled to justify his gripes about the prestigious residence, one that most Americans would be proud to live in. He did so in this multi-message Twitter barrage late Tuesday:

“Lincoln Bedroom no big deal. Pillows suck. Hair looks ridiculous in a.m. No wonder Abe wore stupid hat!

“White House Gift Shop still selling Obama stuff. Unfair! Buy American, not Kenyan!”

“Big screen TVs in War Room really low rez. Can’t see shit. Trump Tower entertainment room way better — no lie!”

“Chairs in Family Dining Room rickety, unsafe — probably sat on by hippoPOTUS (haha!) William Howard Taft. Cheap!”

The president describes plan to lease part of first floor to Shake Shack saying, “The White House lacks a good burger.” (Credit:

“Paper thin walls. Can hear Bannon blasting the butt bazooka every time he uses West Wing bathroom. Horrible!”

“James S. Brady Press Briefing Room? Who? Never heard of him. Don Jr. needs gun room. NRA approves. Let’s renovate!”

“Hardly any gold leaf here. Wanted to go full gilt on South Portico pillars — getting push back from stupid historian Doris Kearns Goodwin.”

Mr. Trump hates the spacious Cross Hall calling it “a waste of rentable square footage.” Credit:

“Just found old peanut shells in basement. What, no housekeeping service since Carter?! Unacceptable!”

“Grand staircase creaks like Wilbur Ross’s knees. No chance to sneak off for late night intern sex like Bill C.— sad!”

“Can you believe it, White House has own library filled with books?! Who reads anymore? Outdated. Replacing with day spa.”

The president spends a lot of time walking around outside because he says, “I don’t think the first 28 presidents ever heard of deodorant.” (Credit:

“Melania says no bidets in women’s bathrooms. Founding Fathers must have had VERY funky First Ladies! Disgusting!”

“Vlad has Toxic Cocktail Mixology Room in Kremlin. Love it! Tell Congress to authorize same for White House!”

“Just learned there’s a “Queen’s Bedroom” up on second floor…but we have no queen! Outrageous. Renaming it ‘Trump Super Suite.’ Classy!”

“FDR created Map Room. DJT converting it to GPS Room — because I’m modern day presidential!”

“Bomb shelter in sub-basement World War II-era. Not good enough! I need nuke-proof hideout. I’m the f**king president!”

“Don’t know why we have a “Situation Room” when MTV cancelled “Jersey Shore” in 2012. I know my reality TV — Mike Sorrentino so yesterday!”

“Whole place needs big league upgrades. Let Don Jr. and Eric bid — make White House great again!”


Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.


Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at

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