Truth In Satire

After Trump Blasts Comey Book, Former FBI Director Adds Shocking Addendum

James Comey responded to president’s attack on Monday by beefing up A Higher Loyalty with 10 more stunning accusations

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The man on the left was stripped and flayed by the man on the right in a new book. (Credit: saudigazette.com)

was no surprise that President Donald Trump struck back after a controversial interview on ABC News’ Sunday night during which former FBI Director James Comey gave him a memorable and ruthless dressing down.

No one knew, however, how much more Mr. Comey had to say — the shocking details of which were added on Monday in an unvarnished, 10-point blistering barrage of an addendum to his bestselling book, A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership. His publisher, Macmillan, said the dozen jaw-dropping additions would appear immediately in all electronic editions of Mr. Comey’s book released this week.

Here are excerpts from the striking “bonus” content in the new expose:

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Mr. Trump keeps tripping the country’s terror alert system. (Credit: businessinsider.com)
  1. “He’s dangerously orange”: “Since 9/11, as everyone knows, we’ve had a color-coded terror alert system in the country — green, blue, yellow, orange, and red for the highest level of danger,” explained Mr. Comey in the addendum. “But President Trump’s skin is so ridiculously orange, he is constantly setting off the alert system, putting our first responders in peril and the country on almost constant high alert. I told him it can’t go on like this, that either he has to tone down that hue or we have to change the alert system, to which he cursed me and said if I didn’t shut up he’d turn up his tanning bed to bright red and really put the country on edge. I dropped the subject for the time being.”
  2. “He asked me if he could withdraw gold directly from Fort Knox”: “Mr. Trump thinks he is Harry Potter, with access to a private vault at the Fort Knox/Gringotts Wizarding Bank and that he is free to go down there and withdraw all the mounds of gold coins he can stash into his pockets,” Mr. Comey mused. “This is the thinking of an imbecile lost in a fantasy. He is truly clueless about why Fort Knox exists and the limits to his access there.”
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Pee and poo are not good for you. (Credit: whatstrending.com)

3. “It wasn’t the pee, it was the poo party he was really obsessed with”: “The president acknowledged to me that he paid prostitutes to urinate on him in a hotel room in Moscow,” said Comey. “But he made me promise never to release the video of Vladimir Putin binding him in leather ropes and defecating on his exposed belly in an act of total subservience. I told him that should the FBI ever get our hands on those tapes, I would have to review them personally before making a final judgement as to their public value. He, of course, became enraged.”

4. “Mr. Trump wanted to see photos of my wife, and asked me if I thought Melania was hot”: “This line of inquiry embarrassed me terribly,” admitted Mr. Comey. “If I understood his meaning, the president was hoping I might have an attractive wife and might be interested in arranging a swap with my wife and Melania. It was shocking and I never thought I’d be having a conversation about ‘swinging’ with a president of the United States.

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The president insists his son Eric is a vampire on his ex-wife’s side. (Credit: thehypertexts.com)

5. “He told me he wanted the FBI to analyze Eric Trump’s DNA”: The president has an impossible time believing that son Eric is actually his offspring,” Mr. Comey shared increduosly. “He told me he is pretty sure Ivana was befriended by a vampire and Eric is the spawn of that bloodsucker and his ex. I thought he was joking, and laughed, but it seemed he was totally serious and later demanded that agents watch Eric’s whereabouts after sunset. He also told me that he believed his secret service detail should be equipped with wooden stakes and garlic.”

6. “A pledge of loyalty was the least of his outrageous requests”: “It was one thing when he asked me, mob boss style, to kneel down and kiss the presidential ring, especially when there is no presidential ring,” remembered Mr. Comey. “But when he told me he intended to use FBI agents for ‘contract killings,’ I thought I was losing my mind. He said he wanted to put a hit on Rosie O’Donnell, move on to Kathy Griffin, and finish up with Meryl Streep and Snoop Dogg for a start. When I told him that my agents would never be part of such a thing, he said I was a traitor and a ‘pussy’ and that he would fire me if I didn’t get with the program.”

7. “The president wanted to know if it was the FBI or the Secret Service that would provide his food taster ”: “I had heard this guy was a germaphobe and very paranoid, but I didn’t think it would get to the point that he would request a food taster and a door knob twister to check for poisons,” explained Mr. Comey. “I assured him that meals served in the White House were certainly safe, but he said he still insisted on having an agent with him at all times to open doors, especially after that Russian spy was poisoned with a highly toxic, military grade poison in London. I didn’t know what to say, but suggested perhaps Jared Kushner could serve in that role for him.”

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“Best show on TV, ever?,” the president asked Comey. (Credit: amazon.com)

8. “He asked me how many episodes of The Apprentice I’d watched and if I thought it was the best show in the history of television”: “I had never seen an episode of his old show, but I was reluctant to tell him that,” Mr. Comey revealed. “So I simply said I didn’t own a TV and I thought that would be the end of it. Instead, he hit the roof, asked me how I expected to be a decent director without watching reruns of Efrem Zimbalist Jr. in The F.B.I.? I found this absurd, and explained that the show was fictional and watching it was not a qualification for service in the FBI. He just shook his head in disgust.

9. “He tried to butter me up with moonlighting offers for my agents”: “At one point during a lunch we had, the president could see that I was becoming disquieted by our discussion,” said Mr. Comey. “So he leaned in and whispered that he could get some of my agents off-duty jobs as security guards at Trump Tower in New York and Mar-a-Lago in Florida. He also said he’d ask his sons about off-duty work for FBI agents at the big gun shows in Vegas. He was apparently unfamiliar with the pride with which FBI agents do their jobs, and the unlikelihood that any would agree to be hired out as rent-a-cops.”

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Instead of getting arrested, Alec Baldwin got an Emmy for playing Donald Trump. (Credit: uproxx.com)

10. “He ordered me to arrest Alec Baldwin for ‘illegally impersonating a sitting president’”: “I explained to Mr. Trump that there was nothing illegal about the actor or comedian satirizing him on Saturday Night Live and that it was an expression of free speech covered under the First Amendment,” said Mr. Comey, describing the scene. “The president asked if it mattered that it was a bad impression, and I said no. He then asked if I could keep Mr. Baldwin in jail overnight ‘just to rough him up a little, show him who’s boss,’ and again I told him I had no cause to do so. Mr. Trump then demanded that I at least slap a ‘cease and desist’ order on Alec Baldwin and SNL and get them to pay reparations, and I insisted that I could not. That’s when he told me it would be an honor to fire me and ‘that if you ever appear on Colbert, or Kimmel, or SNL, I’ll fire your second in command, too.’ The rest is history.”

James Comey is due to appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert on Tuesday, April 17th. Check your local listings.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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