Truth In Satire

After Taking Down CNN, Trump Will Fight Merkel & Macron In July 4th Cage Match

President promises “major fireworks” with Independence Day Wrestlemania event against two world leaders he hates

Mr. Trump posted a video of himself pounding the CNN network unconscious, later calling it “modern day presidential.” (Credit: The New York Times)

President Donald Trump announced on Sunday night that he will set up a tent on the South Lawn of the White House on Tuesday, July 4th, “where I will take on Angela Merkel of Germany and Emmanuel Macron of France in a ‘fight-to-the-death’ Wrestlemania event.”

Billed as the “Independence Day World Leader Cage Match,” the president predicts that “this expensively produced face-off between ‘enemy-allies’ will get tremendous ratings, biggest ever for a Wrestlemania event broadcast from the White House.” Mr. Trump was apparently not aware that this is the only professional wrestling event ever hosted by the White House.

Mr. Macron has a background as a boxer, which may help him against Mr. Trump. Ms. Merkel is German, and no one fucks with the Germans. (Credit: The Local France)

The president seemed in a confident mood after soundly defeating the TV network, CNN, a victory that was depicted in a short video that he posted to his Twitter account on Sunday. The 30-second tape shows Mr. Trump wrestling the weaker network to the ground and then punching it savagely in the head.

While the footage has drawn sharp criticism for displaying behavior unfit for a U.S. president and possibly inciting violence again journalists, the president seemed eager to post it to his official @POTUS Twitter account.

President Trump practicing his “feral dog face” in preparation for the live broadcast of his Independence Day Wrestlemania event. (Credit: Just Jared)

In today’s wrestling event, which Mr. Trump called “a little smash-mouth Independence Day entertainment for all my supporters who love the WWE, NASCAR, and the NRA,” he will challenge two novice wrestlers, the team of Merkel & Macron, European leaders who Mr. Trump detests.

The White House said a tag team, barbed wire steel cage match format is planned, with President Trump being joined on the mat by Steve Bannon as his wrestling partner. In the cage match style of professional wrestling, strands of razor wire are wrapped around the top of a steel cage to prevent competitors from escaping before mortal injury occurs. Only Mr. Trump has appeared in such a match before and he has emerged victorious, but is notorious for using illegal moves and inflicting injury with hidden sharps and vials of caustic acid to secure his wins.

Merkel & Macron have no experience in the ring at all, but agreed to the match because, as their statement read, “somebody has to stand up to this baboon in whatever venue he chooses, whenever we possibly can, to shut his mouth permanently and put an end to his psychotic, planet-threatening misdeeds.”

The president says he’s dying to get Keith Olbermann into the ring. “I’m going to wrap my tie around his neck and drape him over a turnbuckle.” (Credit: Breitbart)

After the Merkel/Macron match, the president says he will accept challenges from “any of the major fake news TV networks,” but would especially like to see representatives from MSNBC, ABC, and “whatever station that shit-eating loudmouth Keith Olbermann is on.”

Mr. Trump has been waging a Twitter rampage against the news media for the past several weeks, justifying his aggressive social media attacks by calling them, “modern day presidential.” It is unclear what he means by the phrase.

The “Independence Day World Leader Cage Match from the White House, starring President Donald Trump,” will be televised live on the FOX television sports network on Tuesday, July 4th, beginning at 4:00pm. Check your local listings.

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