Truth In Satire

After Signing Deal With Fiji Water, Trump Takes Big Swig During Televised Speech

President puts familiar square bottle on display after accepting $45 million to make Fiji the “Official Water of the White House”

President Trump checks a TV monitor during his nationally televised address to make sure the Fiji logo is prominent. (Credit:

Feigning thirst during a nationally televised speech from the White House on Wednesday, President Donald Trump reached for a bottle of Fiji Water, then took a long sip carefully positioning the iconic logo so it was featured on camera.

“Take it from your president folks, this is Fiji, the best artesian water in the world!” (Credit:

The reason for the prolonged and somewhat awkward on-air swig became evident when it was announced later in the day that the president had just signed a $45 million deal with Fiji to make it the “Official Water of the White House.”

According to a White House statement, the endorsement deal also comes with certain sweeteners, for example, if the president drinks Fiji Water on his golf courses, if he chugs a bottle staring up at the sun during a solar eclipse, if he gulps the natural artesian water on Air Force One when talking to the press, and a $1 million bonus if he sips from a bottle of Fiji Water during his annual State of the Union address.

Critics of Mr. Trump are asking about the legality of a sitting president receiving a substantial endorsement contract from a commercial brand.

“Jesus Christ, why am I so fucking parched?” (Credit:

“There is no conflict here,” said White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “President Trump plans to put the proceeds from the Fiji deal to good use on behalf of the American people.”

Asked what that “good use” might be, Ms. Huckabee Sanders replied, “The president and his team are studying several proposals now and we’ll certainly get back to you as soon as a decision is made. But you can be sure that 90% of the Fiji promotional proceeds will benefit all Americans. At the very least, 80% of the endorsement money. Definitely, not less than 70%.”

At the end of the president’s remarks on Wednesday, broadcast live from the Diplomatic Room, he walked away from the podium to reveal a Fiji Water logo embroidered onto the back of his navy blue suit.

A team of workers was also spray painting a Fiji Water logo onto the polished marble in the entrance hallway of the White House, just inside the South Portico.

(Full Disclosure: Fiji Water is the “Official Thirst Quencher of Naked Satire.”)


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