Truth In Satire

After Mario Batali Gets Caught Groping In His Crocs, Sales Of Orange Things Plunge

Thousands of orange products are now being pulled from store shelves after garish color becomes associated with sexual assault

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Hours after ABC canned Mario Batali from its daytime cooking and talk show The Chew, retailers across the country noticed something strange happening in their sales aisles: orange products were not leaving the shelves.

The backlash against orange merchandise, which came swiftly and is all-inclusive, appears to be a consumer response to Batali’s orange Crocs, which the celebrity chef wore at all times, as well as a delayed reaction to the aversion people feel for President Donald Trump, who is orange.

“In my 30 years in retail, I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Paul Huestones, Walmart’s District Manager for the Eastern U.S. “Within 24 hours of the sexual accusations against Batali, which came on the heels of months of allegations against President Trump, sales of anything orange dropped to zero. My only guess is that the vivid color has become synonymous with sexual assault, and consumers are staying away.”

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“We watched sales of our orange product inventory plunge the moment ABC dropped Batali from their TV lineup,” said Lois Citruski, Vice-President of Sales at Costco, the big box retail chain. “I mean not just sales of our Crocs, but everything. You name it, if it’s orange we can’t give it away. Basketballs, orange juice, carrots, Cheetos, Garfield stuffed toys, Fanta soda, Ernie dolls, goldfish — both the fish and the cracker — orange bell peppers, Chicken Tikka Masala frozen dinners, butternut squash soup, anything with a Halloween theme, persimmons, Creamsicles, dried apricots, safety vests, sweet potato fries, Detroit Tiger t-shirts and pennants, Cheez-Its, clementines, orange hair dye and fingernail polish…I could go on, but you get the idea.”

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In a related phenomenon, Caltrans — California’s Department of Transportation — said it recorded a 75% drop in crossings at the bright orange Golden Gate Bridge.

“This is unprecedented,” said Malcolm Cromartie, Supervisor in Caltrans’ San Francisco office. “This city has a huge LGBQT population, so we saw a notable drop in traffic on the Golden Gate after the election last year of the bigoted, orange president. But after Batali, the confessed sexual molester and Crocs wearer, was axed from both his cooking show and restaurants, there was a precipitous drop in crossings. And, I mean, within hours.”

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It is not known how long the nationwide orange product boycott will continue but it is presenting a huge threat not only to the Crocs footwear brand, but to a number of other important product categories.

“All I can say is, I wouldn’t want to be a pumpkin farmer right now,” said Costco’s Citruski. “If this orange avoidance trend continues until next fall, agriculture across the board is going to take it on the chin. The orange juice industry is definitely going to get crushed…I mean, it’ll be pure pulp. And they’ll have that pair of perverts, Batali and Trump, to thank.”

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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