Truth In Satire

After Mario Batali Gets Caught Groping In His Crocs, Sales Of Orange Things Plunge

Thousands of orange products are now being pulled from store shelves after garish color becomes associated with sexual assault

The mayors of coastal cities and river towns say that pairs of orange Crocs, like the ones worn by Batali, are being discarded into their waterways by the tens of thousands. (Credit: chalkboardnails.com)

Hours after ABC canned Mario Batali from its daytime cooking and talk show The Chew, retailers across the country noticed something strange happening in their sales aisles: orange products were not leaving the shelves.

The backlash against orange merchandise, which came swiftly and is all-inclusive, appears to be a consumer response to Batali’s orange Crocs, which the celebrity chef wore at all times, as well as a delayed reaction to the aversion people feel for President Donald Trump, who is orange.

“In my 30 years in retail, I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Paul Huestones, Walmart’s District Manager for the Eastern U.S. “Within 24 hours of the sexual accusations against Batali, which came on the heels of months of allegations against President Trump, sales of anything orange dropped to zero. My only guess is that the vivid color has become synonymous with sexual assault, and consumers are staying away.”

The Orange Accident, Donald Trump, has caused the bold color to drop in popularity. (Credit: Businessinsider.com)

“We watched sales of our orange product inventory plunge the moment ABC dropped Batali from their TV lineup,” said Lois Citruski, Vice-President of Sales at Costco, the big box retail chain. “I mean not just sales of our Crocs, but everything. You name it, if it’s orange we can’t give it away. Basketballs, orange juice, carrots, Cheetos, Garfield stuffed toys, Fanta soda, Ernie dolls, goldfish — both the fish and the cracker — orange bell peppers, Chicken Tikka Masala frozen dinners, butternut squash soup, anything with a Halloween theme, persimmons, Creamsicles, dried apricots, safety vests, sweet potato fries, Detroit Tiger t-shirts and pennants, Cheez-Its, clementines, orange hair dye and fingernail polish…I could go on, but you get the idea.”