Truth In Satire

After Bush Gropes From Wheelchair, Dole and Hastert Explore Seated Fondling

Trio of geriatric Republicans share best “Feels On Wheels” techniques

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Former Republican politicians Bush, Dole, and Hastert say it’s “wheels up” when it comes to getting their fair share. (Credit:,,

George H. W. Bush, a former Republican President of the United States, has been accused twice this past week of squeezing the buttocks of two different actresses during photo sessions, allegations that he doesn’t deny.

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A photo of former President Bush grabbing a handful of actress Jordana Grolnick’s butt cheeks, while the young woman on his left attempted to snap off his itchy fingers. (Credit: and Jordana Grolnick Instagram)

A spokesman for the wheelchair-bound, 93-year-old ex-POTUS admitted that Mr. Bush “has patted women’s rears in what he intended to be a good-natured manner.”

As he reached around to fondle their backsides, he also told a banal, off-color joke to the women: “Do you want to know who my favorite magician is? David Cop-a-Feel!”

Recent reports that Mr. Bush has been getting a ton of waist-high action since he was confined to a wheelchair more than five years ago, has now drawn the attention of two other retired Republican politicians, former Senators Bob Dole and Dennis Hastert.

Like Bush, both men are wheelchair-bound and very curious about “the best grabbing, fondling, pawing, and butt-groping techniques from a seated position.”

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Mr. Bush can work the tushy grab equally well from the left or right side. He went left here, because his wife is on his right. (Credit:

Dole has never before been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior, however Dennis Hastert, a former House Speaker, recently did jail time for sexually abusing young boys.

At the time of his sentencing, several of Hastert’s Republican cronies sent letters to the court requesting leniency for the the serial child molester. Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay wrote, “He is a good man that loves the Lord… He doesn’t deserve what he is going through.”

The Lord, however, disagreed with DeLay’s assessment, pointing out that Hastert admitted his guilt and even paid one of his sexual molestation victims $3.5 million to keep his mouth shut.

Now out of jail, Hastert says he’d like to try the “good-natured” version of sexual abuse and hopes his wheelchair will help catch victims off guard.

It is not known if any other wheelchair-bound Republican lawmakers will roll forward with requests for uninvited wheelchair sex, but nursing homes across the country have been put on high alert.


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