Truth In Satire

After Astrological Reading, Trump Calls Being POTUS #45 “Very Unlucky”

Sources say the president has become openly fearful, telling friends he was cursed from the beginning due to “the evil 45”

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Sources say President Trump became troubled after receiving astrological calculations related to the number 45. (Credit:

resident Donald Trump’s growing paranoia in office may be related to an astrological reading he received from a friend of his wife Melania in April.

According to sources inside the White House, the in-depth chart reading left him so spooked that Mr. Trump immediately consulted an accomplished numerologist and several experts in the occult, as well.

“According to my astrologist,” the president has told advisers, “45 is the smallest triangle number after 1 that can be written as the sum of two squares. It is also the sixth positive integer with a prime factorization of the form p2q, with p and q being prime. This is always a bad sign.”

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A “.45” caliber revolver is the weapon of choice for presidential assassins.

Mr. Trump has also been telling anyone who will listen that the weapon used most often in assassination attempts against U.S. presidents is a .45 caliber revolver.

“N.R.A. support or not,” the president has said, “this Colt 45 connection has me freaked.”

The president also mentioned to a key cabinet member, who shared the story off the record, that I-45 is not just an interstate highway in Texas connecting Dallas and Houston. “I-45 is the route President Kennedy’s motorcade traveled several hours before he was shot and killed on November 22, 1963,” he told this administration official. “Anyone who understands the power of the number 45 stays off that interstate on the 22nd of every month.”

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Pope John-Paul I, elected August 26, 1978, was one of only 45 popes who served less than a year. Mr. Trump thinks this could be a portentous sign.

Also troubling to the increasingly superstitious president is a little-known fact related to papal tenure.

The Catholic Church records 45 popes who reigned for one year or less, the last one being John-Paul I, who performed the papal duties for only 33 days. The president is so rattled by this fact that he won’t let anyone entering the Oval Office mention the Pope, the Catholic Church, or sin.

But it is the connection between the number 45 and special counsel Robert Mueller, who is investigating the president’s Russia connections, that is totally robbing Mr. Trump of inner peace.

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Bob Mueller’s favorite number spells doom for President Trump. (Credit:

A White House aide to the president described his obsession with the number 45 and Mr. Mueller this way: “Mueller has 45 investigators working for him, right? He is looking at 45 counts of obstruction and collusion against the president, he wore number 45 on his lacrosse uniform at Princeton University, and he received 45 medals for military bravery in Vietnam. Mr. Trump knows full well that the number 45 is Mueller’s favorite number and this makes it a curse on the president’s head.”

Those who see him daily say the president is now talking incessantly about petitioning the Republican majority in Congress to make him the 46th President of the United States, instead of the 45th.

“He keeps saying that getting the ‘45’ monkey off his back is the key to holding onto the presidency, so he must become the 46th,” said one source who has heard this rant repeatedly from the president. “I have no idea how he thinks he’s going to skip over an entire presidential tenure, but he’ll probably sign some sort of executive order and make it happen.”


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