President Donald Trump started exercising his pardoning powers on Friday, giving a free pass to the man known as “America’s toughest sheriff,” Joe Arpaio, convicted last month in Arizona on charges of racial profiling and violating the rights of Latinos.
While the presidential pardon angered many across the political spectrum, Mr. Trump was delighted to exonerate the divisive lawman whom he called “an American patriot, one who knew how to keep the Mexican rapists and criminals from entering our country, although I assume some of them are good people.”
President Trump so enjoyed “sheriff pardoning,” according to a White House statement issued on Saturday, that he will soon be exonerating “five more well-known yet controversial sheriffs whom the president believes are not only American patriots, but honorable tough guys worthy of a flippantly considered presidential pardon.”
Those six sheriffs are believed to be:
1. Sheriff Bart
While protecting the citizens of Rock Ridge since 1974, Sheriff Bart is still often criticized for being black. While President Trump dislikes blacks, and all people of color, he has decided to free Sheriff Bart on the outside chance that doing so might win him a handful of minority votes in the 2020 presidential election. While securing six or seven additional black votes may not seem like a lot to most people, Mr. Trump is skilled at turning a small number of votes into an unbelievable number. Bart’s pardon is timed to occur before the death of Mel Brooks, so he can enjoy it.
2. Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane
While considered the most corrupt lawman in Hazzard County, always doing the bidding for evil county commissioner Boss Hogg, the bumbling Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane is still a favorite of President Trump’s, who called him “an excellent driver.” The president is particularly grateful to Sheriff Coltrane for his service in chasing down those up-to-no-good Duke boys and has decided to give the hard-as-nails sheriff a get out of jail free card before the checkered flag comes down on the Daytona 500 in February of 2018.
3. Sheriff J.W. Pepper
Like Joe Arpaio, the president is fond of pardoning southern law officers. Sheriff J.W. Pepper of Louisiana is one he greatly admires both for his swagger and his ability to spit tobacco. While many feel that Sheriff Pepper should not be granted a presidential pardon in view of his offensive, stereotypical redneck conduct, Mr. Trump believes that the often frustrated lawman should be acknowledged for his fine efforts in pursuing the international agent known as 007 or James Bond. In particular, President Trump notes Sheriff Pepper’s brave work “risking life and limb pursuing Bond while the agent was recklessly driving a Glastron Speedboat.” Mr. Pepper’s pardon is expected to be issued during the next severe southern hurricane.
2. Sheriff Woodrow “Woody” Pride
Many resent that Sheriff Woody is the most highly paid law enforcement officer of all-time. They also point to his attempt to eliminate his rival Buzz Lightyear as an odious and contemptible crime. But the president notes that while his law enforcement techniques “might not have always been first rate, Woody has great leadership abilities and his work made an impact on millions of lives, especially children.” For those reasons, President Trump will be exonerating Sheriff Woody by Christmas and placing him under someone’s tree.
5. Sheriff Andy Taylor
While the president admits that he prefers to pardon the kind of reprehensible sheriffs who “abuse minorities, jail undesirables, and who threaten anybody who dares to defy white authority,” he says he still has a warm place in his heart for Sheriff Andy Taylor. According to Mr. Trump, he has had a relationship with the wholesome justice of the peace of Mayberry, North Carolina since his childhood. “Let me put it this way,” said the president, “I sort of grew up with Sheriff Taylor’s son Opie.” While many in the Trump administration view Sheriff Taylor as too much of a “choir boy, goody-goody” to be worthy of a pardon from one of the most immoral and dishonorable presidents in American history, the president himself does not agree. He adds that he is also vile, sinister, and without scruples. Sheriff Taylor’s presidential pardon will be an October event produced and directed by Ron Howard.
Note: The White House is accepting suggestions for other racist sheriffs, notorious military criminals, and general nasty evil-doers whom the president might see fit to pardon. Please submit your recommendations in the comments section below. The author will compile and send them directly to President Trump for consideration.
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