A Survival Plan For Trump’s Next 500 Days
A 12-point checklist of things you’ll need to get through 500 more agonizing days of the worst presidency in American history
Monday marked the 500th day of Donald Trump’s illegitimate presidency. Unless special counsel Robert Mueller works fast to rid America of the Orange Accident, you’ll need to plan ahead with these dozen survival items to make it safely through another 500 days. Good luck and Godspeed.
- BULLSHIT DETECTOR: This will be going off incessantly over the next 500 days whenever President Trump or someone from his administration is speaking, so be sure to keep it in a place where the meter’s constant pinging won’t drive you crazy.
2. ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL OR OTHER STRONG ANTISEPTIC: All public water sources are expected to degrade to Flint, Michigan standards as soon as Scott Pruitt and his eviscerated EPA complete their maximal destruction of the environment. With no enforcement agency to intervene, it will be nearly impossible to find potable water or to take safe showers. Several bottles of alcohol in your home will allow you to wipe that horrible “just-been-sodomized-by-my-government” feeling that will surely blanket your body from time-to-time. Remember, don’t let the “ick” stick. Clean regularly with a powerful antiseptic!
3. TWEETER DEFEATER: This new device created by a 400-lb. computer geek lying on his bed in the San Bernadino Valley allows even novice hackers to cancel presidential tweets as he is posting them. Depending on cellular signal strength, the Tweeter Defeater has been effective 78% of the time in beta tests. Nationwide distribution is expected July 1st. Discount for Washingtonians living within three mile radius of the White House, which is considered the optimum “kill range” for Trump’s tweets.
4. GEIGER COUNTER: If the upcoming summit with North Korea goes badly, President Trump will most likely freak out and start a world war. This being the case, you’ll need advanced warning to get your family safely underground. A handy Geiger Counter will give you an accurate reading of dangerous radiation levels before any skin-melting nuclear fallout reaches your home.
5. HIGH-QUALITY EARPLUGS: Invest in a pair of Ohropax brand earplugs for every member of the family. Ideal for presidential speeches, White House press conferences, “Thank You, Donald” self-congratulatory cabinet meetings, or anytime the president opens his mouth and the sound of his voice makes you alternately shudder with fear and seethe with loathing.
6. RUSSIAN PHRASEBOOK: Many political observers believe that Trump’s cozy relationship with Vladimir Putin could eventually lead to a merger of our two countries. If that occurs, having an easy-to-use Russian translation book handy could save you time and aggravation, maybe even spare you an extended stay in a gulag.
7. MANDARIN PHRASEBOOK: Many foreign relations experts believe that Trump’s newly strained relationship with China could eventually lead to an economic trade war or military confrontation between the two superpowers, resulting in the U.S. hosting not only the Russians on its shores, but also the Chinese. If that occurs, having an easy-to-follow Chinese Mandarin translation book could save you time and aggravation, as well as keep you from receiving a protracted sentence in a Chinese forced labor camp.
8. MARTIAN PHRASEBOOK: Many astrologists believe that President Trump’s “f — k you” attitude to the rest of the world could eventually lead to earthlings pleading with extraterrestrials for evacuation. If that occurs, having an up-to-date Martian translation book could save you time and aggravation, and possibly prevent you from being vaporized.
9. LEWIS & CLARK TRAVEL MAP: The famous Lewis and Clark Expedition departed from St. Louis in 1804 and traveled west. But the two fearless explorers originally arrived in St. Louis via Montreal and also mapped that route thoroughly. Reversing their journey, from points in America to Canada, is going to be necessary for many Americans when all hell breaks loose and we need to evacuate the lower 48 and head to the saner, functional democracy of Canada. Keep copies of Lewis and Clark’s comprehensive map, guiding you to safe lands in the north, in an easily retrievable location close to all exits.
10. OLD, RICH, WHITE GUY DISGUISES: Being Black, Hispanic, Muslim, a woman, a liberal, a member of the LGBTQ community, a vegan, a non-golfer, a fracking opponent, or a friend of Stormy Daniel’s could result in you being imprisoned over the next 500 days. A convincing Koch Brothers or Mitch McConnell costume, hanging ready and waiting in your closet, could temporarily confuse U.S. Internal Security Forces (ISF) who are raiding your home. When the ISF invaders become disoriented, turn and run. (Note: For people of color unable to afford high-end Caucasian disguises, bulk-size containers of Wite-Out might buy you enough time to escape your home and flee to Canada via the Lewis & Clark trail.)
11. BIRTH CONTROL PILLS: Liberal couples who are thinking of starting a family may want to refrain from procreating over the next 500 days and take extra precautions to avoid pregnancy. Keep in mind that children of Democrats, sometimes referred to as “Blue Diaper Babies,” will be required to register with Trump’s ISF forces by November 15th of this year.
12. PUSSY TRAPS: Mr. Trump says he will play a “personal role” in attracting more women voters to his base, which means that he, or one of his sexually deviant operatives, could arrive at your back door for home inspections. These amazingly lifelike pussy traps, placed by your daughter’s bedroom door, your pool’s cabana, or on the couch in your den, are irresistible bait to sexual predators and pedophiles from the Trump administration who arrive “to get me some pussy.” These traps can be set to “Ensnare,” “Wound,” or “Castrate.” Remember, when you hear the pussy trap slam shut, never stop to take an Instagram photo, leave your home immediately.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
I read every comment. And I try to answer.