Truth In Satire

President also ordered FEMA to instruct Texans on the benefits of shoes and clothing

Image for post
Image for post
A man in Dallas slowly considers the use of a face mask to fight the spread of Covid-19. (Credit: https://www.cnn.com)

After saying that Texans suffered from “Neanderthal thinking” earlier in the week, President Joe Biden doubled down on Thursday ordering FEMA to send the state “the wheel and fire, and instruct Texas residents on the benefits of shoes and clothing.”


Truth In Satire

SCOTUS says that “Creeps from one political party are not superior to creeps from another party”

Image for post
Image for post
Equally creepy under the law. (Credit: https://nypost.com)

In a major ruling on Tuesday, the Supreme Court determined that “a sexual predator is a sexual predator no matter his political party.”

The decision related to ongoing accusations of sexual harassment against Republican Donald Trump and Democrat Andrew Cuomo.

Justice Sotomayor wrote: “Just because you are a Democrat does not mean you are superior when it comes to abusing the rights of women in your administration or violating those women in your employ. While Republicans have a hideous track record on this issue, Democrats do not occupy the high ground. …


Truth In Satire

“After being sentenced to prison today, I’ve concluded that Rudy Giuliani is not only a terrible attorney, but a sweaty solicitor”

Image for post
Image for post
Sweaty solicitor lands Sarkozy in deeper legal trouble. (Credit: https://www.vanityfair.com)

The former president of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, is bemoaning the fact that he took the advice of another conservative president, Donald “Coup D’Etat” Trump, when deciding on a lawyer to defend him against corruption charges.


Truth In Satire

Also plans to announce that Republican Party will change name to “White Boys Club”

Image for post
Image for post
Dog whistles are for dummies, says Hair Fuhrer. (Credit: https://www.cbsnews.com)

There’ll be no more subtly aimed political messages when Benedict Donald takes the stage at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) on Sunday night, according to his aides.

Darth Hater is expected to skip the tiptoeing-around, dog-whistle approach, previously preferred by white supremacist politicians, and bellow like a brawler directly into the bigot bullhorn, while announcing sweeping changes to the Republican Party and its agenda, as follows:

  1. Grand Old Party to change name to “White Boys Club”
  2. New headquarters for WBC will be in Richmond, VA
  3. Adolf Twitler, aka Boss Tweet, aka Donald Trump, will be president of the WBC…


Truth In Satire

Hundreds of right-wingers in attendance seemed unaware that the deadly virus was singing their tune

Image for post
Image for post
If you close your mouth and cover your heart, that still won’t protect you. (Credit: https://www.businessinsider.in)

COVID-19 was the special guest at the opening of the 2021 Conservative Political Action Conference in Orlando on Friday, and kicked off the festivities with a rousing chorus of “I’ll Leap Into Your Lungs!”

The rendition was especially poignant as just moments before hundreds of CPAC attendees booed and heckled hosts for asking them to wear masks.


Truth In Satire

Conservative militia group says it will be singling out “other forbidden foreign breeds of the rich and famous in the future”

Image for post
Image for post
Why get a French Bulldog when the American Bulldog is more patriotic, asks PAC? (Credit: https://www.etonline.com)

A mysterious militia group calling themselves “Patriots For American Canines” is claiming responsibility for the theft of Lady Gaga’s beloved French Bulldogs.

Koji and Gustav were grabbed on Wednesday night in Hollywood after Lady Gaga’s dog walker was shot during the violent abduction. Patriots For American Canines (PAC) also claimed on social media that they were armed with detonating doggie treats when they stole the singer’s exotic pups.

“True patriots should own only American bulldogs, not French,” a PAC member posted on the Parler site. “In the future, we will also be targeting German Shepherds, Norwegian Elkhounds, English Springer Spaniels…


Truth In Satire

“A much stingier bill would leave enough misery in the country to keep our grievance vote intact,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell

Image for post
Image for post
Instead of relief, Mitch supports more misery. (Credit: https://wgntv.com)

Republicans in Congress, lead by Sen. Mitch McConnell, said they oppose President Biden’s popular $1.9 trillion Covid relief bill, “because it will make far too many Americans happy.”

“The job of the GOP is to cause more pain for the people,” said Sen. McConnell, when asked why he would oppose a bill that would help so many Americans. “A much stingier bill would leave enough misery in the country to keep the Republican grievance vote intact. We need a sullen, despondent electorate if we have any chance of winning in 2022.”


Truth In Satire

The order protects the stars and stripes against petting, kissing, humping, or other sexual assault by the former president

Image for post
Image for post
The order attempts to prevent this kind of flag abuse. (Credit: https://www.theguardian.com)

Aformerly fondled American flag, scheduled to be onstage with Donald Trump at the upcoming CPAC meeting in Florida this weekend, has filed a restraining order against the former president.


Truth In Satire

After SCOTUS denies ex-president’s continued efforts to hide his returns, he says he’ll turn them over “once they’re laundered”

Image for post
Image for post
His financial records are out for laundering…of course. (Credit: https://www.americanoversight.org)

First they couldn’t be released because Trump claimed he was under audit. Then he said he couldn’t find them. Then the dog ate them.

On Monday, after the U.S. Supreme Court denied his continued efforts to shield his tax returns from prosecutors in New York, the ex-president agreed to turn them over, “once I get them back from the dry cleaners, where they’re being laundered.”

The criminal president, who attempted to stage a coup d’etat against the U.S. government last month, said that his tax returns “were very dusty and dirty because they’ve been stored in the basement at the…


Truth In Satire

“His racist, misogynistic radio show will live on in the anals (sic) of good, conservative hatred forever,” said DeSantis

Image for post
Image for post
Rush Limbaugh and Florida Governor Tragic Flaw. (Credit: https://www.salon.com)

To honor its native son-of-a-bitch and resident racist, Florida will be lowering flags to “half-crass,” according to Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis.

“By lowering our flags to ‘half-crass,’ the people of Florida are offering a final salute to the man who made daily on-air indiscretions, improprieties, and galling gaucheries his own,” said DeSantis on Saturday.

In opposition to the governor’s controversial order, Florida Democrats are suggesting, instead, that state flags “be lowered to six feet under to celebrate the burial of Rush Limbaugh’s dangerous brand of demeaning conservative hatred.”

****

Thanks for reading. More where that came from here.

Allan Ishac

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store