Truth In Satire
The content of the note—traditionally an offering of goodwill by an outgoing president—was abrupt and uncivil
Below is the letter Trump left behind for Joe Biden, in its entirety:
Hey Biden,
I’m not conceding, I’m just running down to Florida to pick up some stuff I’ll need for the next insurrection.
So don’t fuck with the sheets in my presidential suite—in fact, don’t even use the bed in there—and leave all the other furniture just the way you found it.
Thanks to Melania this drafty tinderbox is now “Trump chic,” so don’t go having that wench of yours buy new curtains or carpets or anything. It’s classy just the way it is right now and nothing “Dr. Biden” will do can improve on perfection. …
Truth In Satire
The PA location has become a favorite of Republican politicians and ambitious Trump lackeys
The upscale hotel chain Loews canceled a fundraising event for Republican Senator Josh Hawley over the weekend, due to his part in supporting the riot at the US Capitol last week.
Undeterred, Hawley immediately booked an alternative site for his event, one that has become very popular with Republican politicians and ambitious Trump lackeys—The Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot in Holmesburg, PA.
Truth In Satire
The four living presidents have also slapped Benedict Donald with permanent ‘POTUS NON GRATA’ status
Former Presidents Carter, Clinton, Bush and Obama have agreed to alter the “secret POTUS handshake” to deny Donald Trump’s little hands access to their exclusive shibboleth. preventing him from entering their elite club.
The four living presidents also declared that Trump would not be invited to exclusive “Ex-Presidents Poker Games” or movie nights reserved for previous POTUS’s. Both regular events are held at the home of their senior statesman, Jimmy Carter.
“By proving himself an enemy of democracy and an insurrectionist, as demonstrated by his actions on January 6th, and for many years previous, we’ve given Donald Trump permanent ‘POTUS NON GRATA’ status. …
Truth In Satire
President’s homestay ad claims he’ll be back in 2024: “Will leave keys with neighbor at House of Rep.—ask for K. McCarthy”
In a final bout of delusion and effrontery, Donald Trump listed the White House on Airbnb, a popular vacation website.
“Don’t miss this great 4-year vacation rental in the center of Washington, D.C.,” read the moribund moron’s Airbnb ad. “Great address close to U.S. Capitol building and all recent riot sights. Spacious and affordable. Will return 2024. Renters can pick up keys with neighbor at nearby House of Representatives—ask for Kevin McCarthy.”
Trump’s homestay ad lists the historic mansion for $12,000 per night “with all fees paid directly to me at my temporary residence in Florida. …
Truth In Satire
President calls his former personal physician, “the kind of doc you wanted around during a violent coup”
Dr. Harold N. Bornstein, who famously wrote in 2015 that Donald Trump would be “the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency” has died.
Hearing the news of his passing, Trump immediately named his former personal physician, in an apparent attempt to honor him, “Official Doctor Of The Insurrection.”
“Harold was a great guy, the kind of doc you wanted around during a violent coup,” said the president. “He would have gladly testified that everyone who participated in my reality TV show revolution last week was ‘in perfect sanity.’ Including me. But he didn’t get that chance, because he’s dead.”
Trump, speaking through tears, added about Bornstein, “Even though he was a little wacky, I would have awarded him ‘The Medical Medal of Mutiny’ if he was alive today.” …
Truth In Satire
“I was just delivering one of great grandpappy’s cherished Civil War mementos for a historical display in the Rotunda”
The man photographed parading through the U.S. Capitol building last Wednesday is offering a questionable defense for his actions.
“I am the great-great-grandson of General Robert E. Lee and I was just delivering one of my great grandpappy’s cherished Civil War mementos to congressional leaders for a historical display in the Rotunda,” said the red-faced man. “I had absolutely no idea there was an insurrection underway and I was definitely not involved with that unruly mob.”
The man, who identified himself only as “Mr. Lee,” also claimed that when he walked into the building, “I went straight up to one of the Capitol Police officers and asked him where he wanted to me to drop off the flag. …
TRUTH IN SATIRE
Led by an angry Abe Lincoln, the former presidents say they’re prepared to “step in and put a stop to this insanity right now”
With Donald Trump calling for insurrection in the last days of his failed presidency, more than nine ex-presidents say they’re ready to “step in and put a stop to this insanity” in an effort to defend democracy.
Truth In Satire
President called VP a “traitor,” then hit Pence with forehead shot that left second-in-command with possible concussion
According to a senior White House official, Donald Trump arrived in the Oval Office at 7:30a.m. on Monday morning wearing nothing but pajamas, one slipper, and a cowboy hat, and carrying a Starbucks iced coffee.
He was immediately confronted by VP Mike Pence, who was holding a copy of the 25th Amendment signed by all remaining cabinet members. Seeing what was coming, Trump quickly pulled the straw from his iced coffee and initiated a spitball fight with his second in command.
Pence, in turn, grabbed a straw off a sideboard table and started firing back, while shouting, “You are indecent, sir!” …
Truth In Satire
“Jared has agreed to take the fall for me in the event I am arrested,” says soon-to-be-indicted president
Donald Trump’s son-in-law and longtime bootlicker, Jared Kushner, has signed on to be the president’s “Special Prostitutor” in the upcoming impeachment fight, the second of Trump’s presidency.
According to sources close to the White House, the role will include, “taking the fall for the president if he is indicted, arrested and convicted of any wrongdoing related to the melee that ensued at the Capitol last week.”
Asked if he understood that by continuing to be the president’s male prostitute, he risked going to prison, Trump’s son-in-law said: “Ivanka has assured me that if I assume this important role of Special Prostitutor for my father-in-law, she will gladly visit me in prison for at least the first three years of my sentence.” …
Truth In Satire
President says he can’t be held responsible for anything he’s done because “I suffer from a rare form of POTUS-psychosis”
Donald Trump has told aides that he’ll issue preemptive pardons for himself and his family in the next few days, adding that he’ll also “pre-plead insanity for anything I’ve ever done.”
“I can’t be held responsible for a crime because I suffer from a rare form of POTUS-psychosis,” the president claims. “And I plan to call my niece Mary Trump to the witness stand since she’s always said I’m crazy.”
Mary Trump is a licensed psychologist who wrote a book about her deranged uncle titled, “Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man.”
Upon leaving office, the president could be indicted for all nature of crimes, including tax cheating, emoluments violations, and corruption. Some even suggest Trump should be tried for genocide in the negligent killing of hundreds of thousands of Americans who needlessly died from Covid-19 due to his administration’s failed response to the pandemic. …
