Truth In Satire

“The FBI can confirm I was wearing a wire to investigate Crooked Hillary’s ties to an elite pedophile cabal,” says FL congressman

Besides using your tax dollars to buy nice suits, Gaetz paid cash for sex with minors. (Credit: https://www.nytimes.com)

Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) is now telling anyone who will listen that his money-for-sex encounter with a minor was “part of an undercover operation to investigate Crooked Hillary’s ties to an elite pedophile ring.”

The Florida congressman has been reeling in recent days trying to explain his involvement in a child sex trafficking case, as well as soliciting prostitution, doing illegal drugs, creating fake IDs, and several other assorted felonies.

“This is a smear campaign against me by Democrats for no other reason than that I am Donald Trump’s mini-me. The truth will come out that I have actually been…


Truth In Satire

A swarm of 15,000 bees in New Mexico was seen catching a lift in a Buick to a patch of bluebells on Thursday

Bees seen here catching a lift to some newly blooming lilacs. (Credit: https://www.nytimes.com)

Apiologists are noticing some strange “bee-haviors” among beleaguered honey bee populations across the country.

“The bees are so stressed right now, they’re actually hitching rides to any fields and meadows that are more than a hundred feet from their hives,” said Dr. Marsha Melitto, an apiologist at the University of Southern California.

Apiologists specifically study honey bees and have been working for a decade to understand why bee populations in America are dying off or diminishing at a record rate.

“While it’s certainly a strange behavior that we’ve never observed before, we do hope that truck drivers and commuters will…


Truth In Satire

“Using our toxic baby powder together with our bad batch of vaccines wipes away stubborn corrosion almost instantly”

“A little vaccine mixed with a pinch of talcum powder and, poof, rust disappears!” (Credit: https://www.wlky.com)

Johnson & Johnson researchers announced on Thursday that mixing their tainted Covid vaccine with the company’s asbestos-laced baby powder “produces an amazingly effective rust remover that our customers are going to love.”

The pharma giant said the discovery was made in one of its labs accidentally this week after some of its contaminated Covid-19 vaccines touched a pile of its cancer-causing talcum powder and “almost instantly eliminated a stubborn patch of rust on an old lab table.”

“It was a breakthrough our scientists never expected,” said a J&J lab technician. “A little vaccine mixed with a pinch of talcum powder…


Truth In Satire

“Parents are complaining that our puppeteers’ hands are all up inside their families’ favorite characters,” says show executive

Hands off, you creepy puppeteers! (Credit: https://laughingsquid.com/how-sesame-street-puppeteers-operate-their-muppets/)

Sesame Street announced on Wednesday that it will phase out its hand-held Muppet cast to “reduce excessive puppet touching on the show.”

Most of the Muppet characters are designed as hand puppets, many with rods to control and coordinate certain movements. The hands of puppeteers are typically up inside the Muppet bodies for hours at a time on-set, a practice “which we will eliminate over time,” said a Sesame Street executive.

In an effort to respond to changing cultural norms, Sesame Street will also be introducing a vegan-only diet for select Muppet cast members, as well as a “no fur…


Truth In Satire

GOP leader claims Democrats “are trying to cancel out good American patriots who find an armed insurgency exhilarating”

Mitch McConnell hailing a cab before inviting rioters back onto Capitol grounds. (Credit: https://news.yahoo.com)

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) on Wednesday called increased security around the Capitol “overdone,” insisting that Democrats were making too much of the January 6th insurrection.

“Enough is enough,” said the man who for months perpetuated the lie that the November election was stolen, thereby paving the way for the attempted coup. “There have been no serious threats for weeks, yet we’re still fortified here. That’s crazy. I believe that some shamans and rioters ought to be welcomed back, at least the nice ones.”


Truth In Satire

Golf legend insists: “A few exposed bones aren’t going to keep me from winning my 6th green jacket”

“Even if both legs are in straight casts, I’ll find a way to get good length off the tees,” says a confident Woods. (Credit: https://www.npr.org)

Leaving Harbor-UCLA Medical Center on Tuesday, golf legend Tiger Woods assured reporters that his rehab was going well, “and I expect to be ready for the Masters on April 8th.”

The stunning announcement not only sent shockwaves through the golf world, it immediately set Woods up as a 5–1 favorite to win the 2021 Masters Tournament, which will be his 23rd appearance.

“If anyone thinks a few exposed bones are going to stop me from taking home my 6th green jacket, they’re crazy,” said a confident Woods as he was being lifted into a waiting ambulette. …


Truth In Satire

Was the ‘grabby’ governor together with Donald Trump and Billy Bush on that bus ?

Who’s that right behind Billy? (Credit: https://www.nytimes.com)

Since it was released in October 2016, there’s been plenty of speculation about the mysterious ‘third man’ heard on the infamous “Access Hollywood” tape.


Truth In Satire

America’s least favorite couple says, “We’re devastated, but we will probably now move to England to grab some headlines”

The Prince and Princess of Wonderbread. (Credit: https://www.politico.eu)

Just days after Oprah Winfrey’s news making TV interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, word out of Mar-a-Lago is that impostor monarchs Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner have been expelled from the Trump “Royal-Pain-In-The-Ass” family.

“Daddy threw us out with no allowance money or security, it’s horrible,” said Little Miss Monotonous. “I was so devastated that I told Jared I could no longer go on living without a clothing stipend.”


Truth In Satire

President also ordered FEMA to instruct Texans on the benefits of shoes and clothing

A man in Dallas slowly considers the use of a face mask to fight the spread of Covid-19. (Credit: https://www.cnn.com)

After saying that Texans suffered from “Neanderthal thinking” earlier in the week, President Joe Biden doubled down on Thursday ordering FEMA to send the state “the wheel and fire, and instruct Texas residents on the benefits of shoes and clothing.”


Truth In Satire

SCOTUS says that “Creeps from one political party are not superior to creeps from another party”

Equally creepy under the law. (Credit: https://nypost.com)

In a major ruling on Tuesday, the Supreme Court determined that “a sexual predator is a sexual predator no matter his political party.”

The decision related to ongoing accusations of sexual harassment against Republican Donald Trump and Democrat Andrew Cuomo.

Justice Sotomayor wrote: “Just because you are a Democrat does not mean you are superior when it comes to abusing the rights of women in your administration or violating those women in your employ. While Republicans have a hideous track record on this issue, Democrats do not occupy the high ground. …

Allan Ishac

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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