Truth In Satire

“We have some leads we’re following up on now,” said President Biden, “including very small fingerprints on a black pen”

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Biden is calling this, “The work of a delinquent.” (Credit: http://www.americanheritage1.com)

A priceless portrait of George Washington which sits in the White House was discovered on Wednesday to have been defaced with a Sharpie pen.

Painted by Gilbert Stuart in 1797, when America’s first president was about to leave office after two terms, the painting is a national treasure.

“Whoever did this, it cannot go unpunished,” said President Joe Biden, who was the first to notice the vandalism when he entered the White House as the 46th president. “It’s clearly the work of a delinquent.”

The newly installed president said that the FBI was immediately called in to investigate. “We have some leads we’re following up on now,” said Mr. Biden, speaking of the FBI forensics team, “including very small fingerprints on a black pen found in the Oval Office.” …


Truth In Satire

Biden’s longtime medicine man found several fragments of Trump’s black soul left behind in attempt to attain presidential immortality

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Horcruxes removed, the Biden’s move in. (Credit: https://apnews.com)

President Joe Biden finally took residence in the White House on Wednesday, but not before sending in longtime family shaman, Clefadon, to remove several dangeous horcruxes left behind by Donald Trump.

A horcrux is a hidden object containing pieces of an evil person’s soul which will be used at a later date to attain immortality. Joe Biden suspected Trump would attempt to anchor his dark spirit in the White House in order to, in effect, remain president forever.


Truth In Satire

The content of the note—traditionally an offering of goodwill by an outgoing president—was abrupt and uncivil

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Trump with his farewell letter for Joe Biden in the Oval Office. (Credit: https://www.irishexaminer.com)

Below is the letter Trump left behind for Joe Biden, in its entirety:

Hey Biden,

I’m not conceding, I’m just running down to Florida to pick up some stuff I’ll need for the next insurrection.

So don’t fuck with the sheets in my presidential suite—in fact, don’t even use the bed in there—and leave all the other furniture just the way you found it.

Thanks to Melania this drafty tinderbox is now “Trump chic,” so don’t go having that wench of yours buy new curtains or carpets or anything. It’s classy just the way it is right now and nothing “Dr. Biden” will do can improve on perfection. …


Truth In Satire

The PA location has become a favorite of Republican politicians and ambitious Trump lackeys

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You know how sometimes you wish you could take back a fist pump? (Credit: https://www.nbcnews.com)

The upscale hotel chain Loews canceled a fundraising event for Republican Senator Josh Hawley over the weekend, due to his part in supporting the riot at the US Capitol last week.

Undeterred, Hawley immediately booked an alternative site for his event, one that has become very popular with Republican politicians and ambitious Trump lackeys—The Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot in Holmesburg, PA.


Truth In Satire

The four living presidents have also slapped Benedict Donald with permanent ‘POTUS NON GRATA’ status

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The four former presidents are working to marginalize the departing moron-in-chief. (Credit: https://my.usembassy.gov/thepresidents)

Former Presidents Carter, Clinton, Bush and Obama have agreed to alter the “secret POTUS handshake” to deny Donald Trump’s little hands access to their exclusive shibboleth. preventing him from entering their elite club.

The four living presidents also declared that Trump would not be invited to exclusive “Ex-Presidents Poker Games” or movie nights reserved for previous POTUS’s. Both regular events are held at the home of their senior statesman, Jimmy Carter.

“By proving himself an enemy of democracy and an insurrectionist, as demonstrated by his actions on January 6th, and for many years previous, we’ve given Donald Trump permanent ‘POTUS NON GRATA’ status. …


Truth In Satire

President’s homestay ad claims he’ll be back in 2024: “Will leave keys with neighbor at House of Rep.—ask for K. McCarthy”

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Just $12K a night for the right sucker. (Credit: https://abcnews.go.com)

In a final bout of delusion and effrontery, Donald Trump listed the White House on Airbnb, a popular vacation website.

“Don’t miss this great 4-year vacation rental in the center of Washington, D.C.,” read the moribund moron’s Airbnb ad. “Great address close to U.S. Capitol building and all recent riot sights. Spacious and affordable. Will return 2024. Renters can pick up keys with neighbor at nearby House of Representatives—ask for Kevin McCarthy.”

Trump’s homestay ad lists the historic mansion for $12,000 per night “with all fees paid directly to me at my temporary residence in Florida. …


Truth In Satire

President calls his former personal physician, “the kind of doc you wanted around during a violent coup”

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Awarded the highest honor by a dishonorable president. (Credit: https://www.ktvn.com)

Dr. Harold N. Bornstein, who famously wrote in 2015 that Donald Trump would be “the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency” has died.

Hearing the news of his passing, Trump immediately named his former personal physician, in an apparent attempt to honor him, “Official Doctor Of The Insurrection.”

“Harold was a great guy, the kind of doc you wanted around during a violent coup,” said the president. “He would have gladly testified that everyone who participated in my reality TV show revolution last week was ‘in perfect sanity.’ Including me. But he didn’t get that chance, because he’s dead.”

Trump, speaking through tears, added about Bornstein, “Even though he was a little wacky, I would have awarded him ‘The Medical Medal of Mutiny’ if he was alive today.” …


Truth In Satire

“I was just delivering one of great grandpappy’s cherished Civil War mementos for a historical display in the Rotunda”

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“Excuse me, where would you like me to drop off my grandpappy’s flag,” the man suppsedly asked a fleeing Capitol polic officer. (Credit: https://www.kctv5.com)

The man photographed parading through the U.S. Capitol building last Wednesday is offering a questionable defense for his actions.

“I am the great-great-grandson of General Robert E. Lee and I was just delivering one of my great grandpappy’s cherished Civil War mementos to congressional leaders for a historical display in the Rotunda,” said the red-faced man. “I had absolutely no idea there was an insurrection underway and I was definitely not involved with that unruly mob.”

The man, who identified himself only as “Mr. Lee,” also claimed that when he walked into the building, “I went straight up to one of the Capitol Police officers and asked him where he wanted to me to drop off the flag. …


TRUTH IN SATIRE

Led by an angry Abe Lincoln, the former presidents say they’re prepared to “step in and put a stop to this insanity right now”

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Nine ex-presidents say they’ve had enough of Donald Trump and his impotent swaggering.

With Donald Trump calling for insurrection in the last days of his failed presidency, more than nine ex-presidents say they’re ready to “step in and put a stop to this insanity” in an effort to defend democracy.


Truth In Satire

President called VP a “traitor,” then hit Pence with forehead shot that left second-in-command with possible concussion

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They both know what to do with straw, spit and insurrections.

According to a senior White House official, Donald Trump arrived in the Oval Office at 7:30a.m. on Monday morning wearing nothing but pajamas, one slipper, and a cowboy hat, and carrying a Starbucks iced coffee.

He was immediately confronted by VP Mike Pence, who was holding a copy of the 25th Amendment signed by all remaining cabinet members. Seeing what was coming, Trump quickly pulled the straw from his iced coffee and initiated a spitball fight with his second in command.

Pence, in turn, grabbed a straw off a sideboard table and started firing back, while shouting, “You are indecent, sir!” …

About

Allan Ishac

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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