A never muffled, but frequently mittened, Bernie Sanders commented on the Trump administration after his own casual attendance at President Biden’s inauguration.
“From day one, Trump’s policies were clearly upside down and totally batshit,” said the longtime liberal firebrand. “They hurt the poor and rewarded the rich, marginalized people of color and favored white conservatives. The man and all his enablers should have been dropped into a cave of guano, because they’re all full of shit.”
Asked if he thought there could be a healing in America post Trump, Senator Sanders replied, “Absolutely, with that moron out the way, true progressive policies can finally take flight.” …
Dr. Deborah Birx, Trump’s coronavirus response coordinator, watched with envy on Thursday as Dr. Fauci spoke at the White House using accurate medical facts and scientific data.
The nation’s leading infectious-disease expert, Fauci also spoke of having a “liberated feeling” now that Trump and his campaign of misinformation has left the White House, leaving Dr. Birx pining for her shackles to be broken, too.
“I am begging President Biden to free me of these chains of stupidity so I, too, can use science, not silliness,” said Dr. Birx on Friday. “I swear, sir, I do not advocate hydroxychloroquine or drinking bleach as a cure for Covid, even though I stood idly by as that MAGA moron mislead the nation and killed 400,000 people. …
A priceless portrait of George Washington which sits in the White House was discovered on Wednesday to have been defaced with a Sharpie pen.
Painted by Gilbert Stuart in 1797, when America’s first president was about to leave office after two terms, the painting is a national treasure.
“Whoever did this, it cannot go unpunished,” said President Joe Biden, who was the first to notice the vandalism when he entered the White House as the 46th president. “It’s clearly the work of a delinquent.”
The newly installed president said that the FBI was immediately called in to investigate. “We have some leads we’re following up on now,” said Mr. Biden, speaking of the FBI forensics team, “including very small fingerprints on a black pen found in the Oval Office.” …
President Joe Biden finally took residence in the White House on Wednesday, but not before sending in longtime family shaman, Clefadon, to remove several dangeous horcruxes left behind by Donald Trump.
A horcrux is a hidden object containing pieces of an evil person’s soul which will be used at a later date to attain immortality. Joe Biden suspected Trump would attempt to anchor his dark spirit in the White House in order to, in effect, remain president forever.
Below is the letter Trump left behind for Joe Biden, in its entirety:
I’m not conceding, I’m just running down to Florida to pick up some stuff I’ll need for the next insurrection.
So don’t fuck with the sheets in my presidential suite—in fact, don’t even use the bed in there—and leave all the other furniture just the way you found it.
Thanks to Melania this drafty tinderbox is now “Trump chic,” so don’t go having that wench of yours buy new curtains or carpets or anything. It’s classy just the way it is right now and nothing “Dr. Biden” will do can improve on perfection. …
The upscale hotel chain Loews canceled a fundraising event for Republican Senator Josh Hawley over the weekend, due to his part in supporting the riot at the US Capitol last week.
Undeterred, Hawley immediately booked an alternative site for his event, one that has become very popular with Republican politicians and ambitious Trump lackeys—The Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot in Holmesburg, PA.
Former Presidents Carter, Clinton, Bush and Obama have agreed to alter the “secret POTUS handshake” to deny Donald Trump’s little hands access to their exclusive shibboleth. preventing him from entering their elite club.
The four living presidents also declared that Trump would not be invited to exclusive “Ex-Presidents Poker Games” or movie nights reserved for previous POTUS’s. Both regular events are held at the home of their senior statesman, Jimmy Carter.
“By proving himself an enemy of democracy and an insurrectionist, as demonstrated by his actions on January 6th, and for many years previous, we’ve given Donald Trump permanent ‘POTUS NON GRATA’ status. …
In a final bout of delusion and effrontery, Donald Trump listed the White House on Airbnb, a popular vacation website.
“Don’t miss this great 4-year vacation rental in the center of Washington, D.C.,” read the moribund moron’s Airbnb ad. “Great address close to U.S. Capitol building and all recent riot sights. Spacious and affordable. Will return 2024. Renters can pick up keys with neighbor at nearby House of Representatives—ask for Kevin McCarthy.”
Trump’s homestay ad lists the historic mansion for $12,000 per night “with all fees paid directly to me at my temporary residence in Florida. …
Dr. Harold N. Bornstein, who famously wrote in 2015 that Donald Trump would be “the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency” has died.
Hearing the news of his passing, Trump immediately named his former personal physician, in an apparent attempt to honor him, “Official Doctor Of The Insurrection.”
“Harold was a great guy, the kind of doc you wanted around during a violent coup,” said the president. “He would have gladly testified that everyone who participated in my reality TV show revolution last week was ‘in perfect sanity.’ Including me. But he didn’t get that chance, because he’s dead.”
Trump, speaking through tears, added about Bornstein, “Even though he was a little wacky, I would have awarded him ‘The Medical Medal of Mutiny’ if he was alive today.” …
The man photographed parading through the U.S. Capitol building last Wednesday is offering a questionable defense for his actions.
“I am the great-great-grandson of General Robert E. Lee and I was just delivering one of my great grandpappy’s cherished Civil War mementos to congressional leaders for a historical display in the Rotunda,” said the red-faced man. “I had absolutely no idea there was an insurrection underway and I was definitely not involved with that unruly mob.”
The man, who identified himself only as “Mr. Lee,” also claimed that when he walked into the building, “I went straight up to one of the Capitol Police officers and asked him where he wanted to me to drop off the flag. …