- SLOW LORIS: The mysterious Slow Loris (above) is a moon-eyed, nocturnal creature, so instead of causing trouble all day, like our current agitator in chief, it would be sleeping while the rest of the country goes about its business. It also crawls around so quietly, you can’t hear it. Silence from a president would be a welcome relief. Interestingly, the Slow Loris has a venomous bite to ward off its enemies. A poisonous bite is definitely preferable to a nuclear bomb when it comes to national defense. The only problem with a Slow Loris is that it lives in Southeast Asia so it may not be able to legally run for president in America.
2. WILD BOAR: The thinking here is that if we’re going to have a bore as president, it might as well have the added cache of being a wild one. This highly-adaptable animal, with sharp tusks and a shrill squeal, is also called a wild pig or wild swine. Since we already have both a pig and a swine in office, Washington, D.C. would be an easy adjustment for a wild boar. Plus, it’s popular in the southern United States, where it would garner tons of support from red state voters.
3. BLOBFISH: Although the Blobfish is basically just a blob, very much like Donald Trump, it is actually not as offensive. It lives in very deep water so we wouldn’t see it much if it were president. But most important, it hunts by letting smaller fish wander into its mouth, so its mouth is often full. This keeps it from talking. It would be great to have a president that kept his mouth shut once in awhile.
4. NORWAY RAT: Being a very tough rat to kill, this rugged rodent could easily survive an apocalypse, like the one the existing president seems eager to bring on. The Norway Rat is also really good at thriving in hostile environments, i.e. the political cesspool that is Washington. This industrial-strength rat is even able eat through concrete and metal, which would come in handy if the nation is buried in collapsed buildings after the Armageddon. Of course, it also benefits from having “Norway” in its name, making it very welcome in America right now.
5. BOTTLENOSE DOLPHIN: As aquatic mammals go, the Bottlenose Dolphin rocks. It is incredibly smart, which would be a vast improvement on the “stable genius” we have now, who is actually an erratic moron. The other awesome thing about having a dolphin as president is that it has exceptional hearing, so President Dolphin would be it’s own listening device, saving us billions in spy equipment currently earmarked for use by the CIA and NSA. And don’t forget that dolphins are super-friendly and extremely tolerant, so President Dolphin and his dolphin cabinet would probably not discriminate against other races or the less fortunate.
6. LAND SLUG: If we’re going to have a slimy, slippery, good-for-nothing president, it might as well be a slug. This gastropod mollusk has the added benefit of being a hermaphrodite, meaning it possesses both female and male reproductive organs. So it wouldn’t be out whoring all night as president, and we wouldn’t have to read about its sexual escapades with Stormy Slug or Ivanka Slug. It would just be hanging around the Oval Office leaving a slime trail, just like Donald Trump does now. One small disadvantage of having a slug president is that they are a favorite meal of turtles, so Mitch McConnell would not be allowed in the White House and would have to communicate with the new president by phone only.
7. AFRICAN ELEPHANT: To be president you need to have a tough skin, so you can hear criticism, gibes, and jeers without getting so insulted you start World War III. Donald Trump is very thin-skinned, which is why he is often called Trumplethinskin. A better choice for president would be an African Elephant, which has a tough hide. Elephants, of course, are also famous for having really good memories. Donald Trump says he has a good memory, the best, but that’s a lie. An elephant has a much better memory. And don’t assume that our pachyderm president would be a Republican either. It could be a Democratic, or even an Independent.
8. CHAMELEON: Famous for its ability to change skin color as a form of camouflage based on environmental influences, the chameleon is truly a natural politician. We can assume that a President Chameleon would be a very tolerant leader, too, something this country would benefit from right now. That’s because the chameleon can change its own skin color in combinations of pink, blue, red, orange, green, black, brown, light blue, yellow, turquoise, and purple, so it would hardly have a problem accepting minor variations of yellow and brown. A chameleon also has independently mobile eyes and very good eyesight, so as president it could see when political rivals were coming to stab it in the back.
9. AMERICAN WEREWOLF: Not technically a wild animal, but still ferocious, the American werewolf has been spotted often in London. But if it were to appear in Washington, and become President of the United States, the werewolf would do an excellent job of keeping opposing political factions in line with its ruthless habit of severely maiming or even devouring its enemies. Another great selling point for the American Werewolf is its ability to look like a normal person in the daytime, even wear a suit, thus allowing it to meet with foreign leaders and attend political functions without using its powerful foreclaws to lop off the heads of VIPs in public.
These nine wild animals are just some of the amazing creatures that would make a better American president than Donald Trump. If you know of others, please place your nominations in the comments section below before the 2020 primary season.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.