Truth In Satire

8 Things Trump’s Goons Overlooked When Raiding His Former Doctor’s Office

Dr. Harold Bornstein says two ruffians who stormed his office left behind some incriminating items connected to the president

President Donald Trump’s longtime personal physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein, claimed on Tuesday that his office was raided by two of the president’s most trusted thugs in February 2017, just days after the doctor had publicly revealed that Mr. Trump was taking a hair growth medication.

Dr. Bornstein added that while the two goons grabbed most of the president’s medical records, they overlooked “some very confidential stuff that I keep hidden in the floorboards.” The eccentric physician, who famously reported on Mr. Trump’s “astonishingly excellent health” in gushing terms before the 2016 election, said that he was still in post-raid possession of these incriminating items connected to the president:

  1. Additional notes dictated by Mr. Trump to Dr. Bornstein covering a wide range of medical misinformation scenarios: After admitting that the over-the-top letter on the president’s health that he publicly shared in 2015 was actually written by Mr. Trump himself, Dr. Bornstein said that he had other letters “stashed away just in case Don needed a medical smokescreen in the future.” The doctor said President Trump wrote one about having “painful pressure in his unusually large testicles which required him to keep a stable of hookers on hand to provide immediate relief.” The president also crafted a note describing his brain as “like two Einstein brains combined into one with super human gray matter.” Dr. Bornstein admits that he would have been very embarrassed to sign and endorse those two letters.

2. A copy of President Trump’s 23andMe ancestry testing results: Excited to find out how many kings, war heroes, and dictators he was distantly related to, Mr. Trump sent a sample of his DNA to 23andMe for a full analysis under Dr. Bornstein’s direction. The president was deeply distressed to learn that his great, great grandfather really WAS an orangutan, and that he has a strong genetic connection to a tribe of aboriginals in Africa known for having microscopic intellects. Mr. Trump insisted that Dr. Bornstein keep the results safely concealed.

3. Medical-grade bronzing spray: According to Dr. Bornstein. Mr. Trump needs an especially strong application of a custom tanning spray to retain his presidential orange glow year round. He took reporters on a tour of his basement laboratory where he says “I mix a special bronzing concoction together for the president right here in these beakers.”

4. Prescriptions for “Propecia Plus With Mood Stabilizer”: Applied to the scalp, Propecia Plus penetrates directly into the president’s brain, explained Dr. Bornstein, “so while it works to grow his hair it also keeps Don from completely going crackers in the Oval Office.” The doctor said he has prescribed Propecia Plus for the president for “the better part of his adult life.”

5. Junk food recommendations: Mr. Trump demanded that Dr. Bornstein write official looking scrips suggesting that the president was required to eat junk food as part of a health regimen. “Don told me he would whip out these RX notes in front of guests and tell them that his doctor had ordered him to eat Cheetos and Oreos and drink Diet Coke. But that was just a big fib.”

6. Steroid-dipped golf balls: “I told Don once about steroid use in sports and how it can improve performance,” explained Dr. Bronstein, while pulling up a number of yellow golf balls from under the floorboards. “Don’s always looking for ways to cheat on the golf course, so he told me to dip his golf balls in anabolic steroids, like testosterone, anything that would give him an advantage. Apparently, he would lick his balls right before teeing off and get a little boost of strength that would add 20–30 yards to his drives.”

7. Jar of formaldehyde containing Mr. Trump’s surgically removed “bone spurs”: For decades, Donald Trump has been criticized for dodging military service during the Vietnam War due to bone spurs. But Dr. Bronstein produced a sealed jar that he said contained the actual bone spurs removed from the future president’s heels by the doctor’s father, Dr. Jacob Bronstein, who was the Trump family physician when young Donald Trump was 18-years-old and had the surgery. But on closer inspection, the “bone spurs” appeared to be shark’s teeth. Questioned about this, Dr. Bronstein admitted that they were, in fact, shark’s teeth, and that there never was any surgery. But he said that Mr. Trump had put them in formaldehyde and stored them in the doctor’s office in case the military ever challenged his deferment excuse.

8. Lab results for a urine analysis: Perhaps the most fascinating item pulled from Dr. Bronstein’s secret hiding place was a lab report from Quest Diagnostics in 2013 for a urine analysis. But it wasn’t the president’s urine. Rather it was a pee-pee specimen taken from the president’s hair, skin, and genitals after a trip he took to Moscow. The urine was tested for no less than 25 sexually transmitted diseases and came up positive for three of them. The urine covering the president’s body contained evidence of syphilis, crabs, and herpes. Dr. Bronstein said he had no idea how the president could have been covered head-to-toe in someone else’s urine.

Dr. Bronstein said he would get down on hands and knees in the next few days to check the floorboard chamber for any other items that Trump’s raiders might have neglected to take. The doctor feels certain that he’ll find “a lot more shocking stuff related to Don and I’ll definitely call you and you can interview me on television again.”


Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

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Thank you.


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