Truth In Satire

8 Things Found During FBI Raid Of Trump’s Personal Lawyer That No One Expected

Michael D. Cohen, the president’s attorney, was hiding a trove of incriminating evidence, including Stormy Daniel’s 40DD bra

An early morning F.B.I. raid on the office and hotel room of Donald Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael D. Cohen, has turned up boxes of evidence that could point to serious crimes by the president, as well as violations of his marriage vows.

According to sources inside the F.B.I., there were eight things in particular that were unexpected and got the attention of agents on the scene. Here is a partial list of the controversial evidence seized during the extensive search:

  1. Porn star Stormy Daniel’s size 40DD bra: Agents were surprised not only by the discovery of a bra belonging to the adult film actress who claims to have had an affair with Mr. Trump, but also by the extraordinary size of the cups. “We know Ms. Daniels has gigantic breasts but the supportive underwiring on this sexy lace bra really took our breath away,” said one agent.
  2. A rolled up copy of Esquire Magazine: According to Stormy Daniels, she gave Mr. Trump “a few swats” on the butt with a rolled up magazine that had his face on the cover when they had their one night affair. The copy of Esquire found in Michael Cohen’s office had plenty of DNA evidence on it, as well as talcum powder, and F.B.I agents say it appears to be the very magazine that smacked the president’s butt cheeks.
  3. The names and numbers of six Ukrainian “escorts”: The agents found a personal telephone book belonging to Mr. Trump that listed the full names and phone numbers of six Ukrainian women under the heading “P-Party.” The F.B.I. is now investigating whether these could be the ladies who urinated on the president during the infamous “golden shower” incident at the Moscow Ritz Carlton in 2013. Sources say that there was evidence of “urethral discharge” on the well-worn pages of the personal directory.
  4. A birth certificate indicating that Melania Trump is actually Vladimir Putin’s illegitimate daughter: President Trump’s refusal to condemn Russia or its despotic leader is a mystery that has confounded political observers for the past two years. But an official birth certificate uncovered during the Cohen raid proves that Vladimir Putin is actually Melania Trump’s real father. Putin was stationed with the KGB in Novo Mesto, Slovenia in 1970 when Melania “Knauss” was born. So, technically, Putin is Trump’s father-in-law with close personal and political ties.
  5. Audiotapes of salacious conversations between Donald Trump and WWE founder Vince McMahon: F.B.I. agents don’t yet understand the significance of the tapes containing “sex talk” between the president and the professional wrestling promoter, but a bra belonging to Mr. McMahon was also discovered in a locked box at the scene along with the audiotapes.
  6. White hooded robes with “DJT” embroidered on the left breast: Everyone knows that President Trump’s father, Fred, was arrested for participation in a Ku Klux Klan rally in 1927 in Queens, NY. But the discovery yesterday of custom-fitted robes designed by the fashion house of German clothier, Karl Lagerfeld, suggests that the president is also an active member of the Klan.
  7. Genital clay impressions: Accused of being a compulsive “pussy grabber” by dozens of women, law enforcement may now have the evidence it needs to indict Donald Trump for sexual abuse. It seems that during many of his pussy grabbing incidents the president was cupping a mound of molding clay in his palm. As he grabbed the women in question, the clay took an impression of their genital areas. The president kept the impressions for his personal enjoyment. Agents now think it will be easy to match the clay impressions with the “private parts” of the president’s accusers to prove that his hands have been where they weren’t welcome.
  8. Women’s size XXL undergarments, including many petticoats: Although it might not constitute a crime, over 100 items of XXL size women’s undergarments were found in Michael Cohen’s office, including fancy panties, slips, garters, and petticoats. All appear to have been worn by the president himself, as many were stained with Mr. Trump’s preferred brand of orange bronzing spray. None of the F.B.I. agents questioned about this discovery could point to criminality associated with possession of frilly undergarments, but all enjoyed a good laugh while combing through Mr. Cohen’s office imagining the president dressed in a G-string and bustier.

All the items seized from Mr. Cohen’s office and hotel room during the Monday raid will be taken to F.B.I headquarters in Virginia where they will be photographed and catalogued. The bra belonging to Vince McMahon is expected to be returned to the titan of the wrestling world later this week.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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