Truth In Satire

8 Alarming Ways You Are Aging In The Age Of Trump

The surgeon general has determined that the Trump presidency is a danger to public health

Image for post
Image for post
He’s worse than cancer…and sneakier, too! (Credit:kathmandupost.ekantipur.com)
Image for post
Image for post
Does the sight of him bring acidic bile to your throat? Millions are suffering from Vile Bile ulcers, a painful and life-robbing condition. (Credit: washingtonpost.com)
  1. DONALD THE DESPOT TEMPOROMANDIBULAR DISORDER: Temporomandibular disorder is a condition where the jaw gets tight as the sufferer grips the joint and grinds his or her teeth. Donald Trump’s propensity for acting like a tyrant is pissing a lot of people off, which is causing them to clench their jaws in righteous anger. When one clamps the jaw down tight it becomes harder to breath. Less oxygen to the brain and other vital organs can lead to early signs of aging, including sagging skin, bags under the eyes, and a lack of interest in keeping one’s heart pumping. Do not get DDTD — move to Australia which is like America without the wanna-be dictator and oppressive regime.
  2. REVERSE DOG YEARS SYNDROME: In The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump, Bandy X. Lee, M.D, outlines the consensus view of twenty-seven psychiatrists, psychologists, and mental health experts that President Trump is severely mentally ill, and his dangerous personality disorders are causing a pan-global panic attack. The resulting emotional trauma and killer stress is now aging a normal human being at a rate of seven years for every actual year of life. Doctors are calling it “Reverse Dog Years Syndrome” and you have Donald Trump to thank for it. And he doesn’t even like dogs!
  3. ROAD RAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY REDUCTION: The National Transportation Safety Board is reporting a much higher incidence of road rage resulting in death and serious injury since Trump became president. Add to that drivers speeding to get home before the Armageddon and you have in totality what the NTSB is calling “Road Rage Life Expectancy Reduction,” which they attribute directly to the Orange Accident. So if you’re planning to live longer in the age of Trump, stay off the roads.
  4. ORANGE REVULSION SICKNESS: President Trump has ruined orange for countless Americans who once loved the bold, uplifting color. Now the sight of anything orange — basketballs, Cheetos, chicken tikka masala, carrots, orange juice, Fanta Soda,, orange bell peppers, butternut squash soup, Creamsicles, clementines, orange fingernail polish, and anything associated with Halloween — causes them to vomit uncontrollably. This spontaneous reaction to a color that dominates the landscape is a plague on the public’s health.
  5. SHAMELESS LIAR ORGAN INFLAMMATION: We now know that inflammation ages the body faster than almost any other chronic health condition, hence the rapid proliferation of anti-inflammatory diets, cryotherapy, and other treatments. When President Trump lies, which is an hourly occurrence, the dissonance we feel between the truth and his pathological dishonesty increases our blood pressure, which raises our body temperature, which causes inflammation to our internal organs. Over time, like say, the four-year term of a contemptible president, “Shameless Liar Organ Inflammation” is a certain death sentence. The only remedy that science has discovered to date is to watch reruns of Mr. Rogers or The Andy Griffith Show, TV programs proven to restore men and women’s faith in the honesty and integrity of other humans.
  6. MISERABLE MORON MALADY: Anyone who has had a really stupid boss knows the anguish of suffering through the imbecile’s bad leadership decisions. We might say to our co-workers, “That boob is killing me!” or “This dipstick manager is adding years to my life!” Now, as a nation, we are experiencing the collective distress of “Miserable Moron Malady” and actuarials have been forced to recalculate the impact of a shorter life expectancy for all Americans in the age of Trump.
  7. HAIR FUHRER INFECTIONS: The man with the cheddar top is nothing if not infuriating. Every time Donald Trump opens his mouth, it is estimated that 15,000–20,000 Americans pull out clumps of their hair. Without proper medical attention, scalp sepsis quickly sets in. Not only are these so-called “Hair Fuhrer Infections” unsightly, they are lethal, sending toxic bacteria directly into the brain. If you feel the urge to rip out large tufts of your hair whenever the president speaks, buy earplugs.

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store