Truth In Satire

72 Birthday Gifts For The Wannabe Dictator Donald Trump

The president turns 72 today and here are all the gifts — one for every year of his infamous life — on the aspiring tyrant’s wish list

The faux POTUS celebrates his 72nd birthday today, June 14th.

He’ll have a special dictator’s birthday party later this afternoon complete with arsenic-laden cake for all the guests.

He also has a wish list of 72 great gifts ideas for a budding oppressor. Want to get on his good side, maybe become one of his elite oligarchs? Just order any of the goodies below at and send it to President Adolf Twitler, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.:

  1. Smith & Wesson sidearm to wear like a puffed up general at public events
  2. Robert Mueller’s balls in a glass jar
  3. A big nuclear button, the biggest one they sell on Amazon
  4. Wall plaque embossed with the phrase “Do what I say, not what I do.”
  5. Weekly deliveries of the president’s favorite “Tyrant Tater Tots”
  6. Strict laws against smashing POTUS pinatas on The Donald’s birthday
  7. Bribable judges and buyable senators
  8. 100,000 pairs of wrist shackles, size small, for immigrant children seeking safety in the U.S.

9. Lots of “yes” men and “yes” women and “yes” executioners

10. Birthday parade complete with big tanks

11. One-touch, push-button shutdown of all media outlets

12. Easily revised Constitution

13. Dungeons

14. Complete, behind-the-scenes control of Frito-Lay, with overnight shipments of preferred snacks directly to the Oval Office

15. Legitimate-looking document on aged parchment declaring Benedict Donald supreme leader for life

16. Self-awarded military medals

17. Slaves

18. 10% kickback on any job, in any industry, ever performed in the United States

19. Password to wall safe at Fort Knox

20. Military-style epaulets on all his Italian suits

21. Obedience from everyone, especially CNN

22. Fewer sons with succession on their minds

23. Alec Baldwin installed as court jester in Trump White House, complete with tight-fitting, harlequin tights and joker’s hat

24. Infinite and absolute power, like God’s but without the principled behavior

25. Desktop copy of Mao Zedong’s “Purging Your Political Enemies For Fun And Profit”

26. A quick death for all dormant and/or aspiring heroes

27. Concrete shoes for Hillary Clinton

28. Honorary Grand Wizard status from the Ku Klux Klan

29. Atrocities check-list

30. More robot assassins like Russian-made Stephen Miller

31. A dozen believable excuses for declaring a nationwide “state of emergency” at a moment’s notice

32. White supremacist songbook

33. All day, every day Trump media network, aka ‘state television”

34. Hookers for all his bully buddies, just like Vlad offers

35. A place in hell for Samantha Bee

36. A hotter place in hell for Colin Kaepernick, with no place to kneel down

37. The hottest place in hell saved for smart aleck Robert De Niro

38. Conversion of U.S. Capitol building into the International Trump Family Museum

39. A mandate to “protect the people from themselves,” also known as squashing civil liberties

40. Currency with his image on it, preferably on the new $45 bill

41. His own movie studio for churning out self-congratulatory propaganda films

42. A stable of fawning celebrities, starting with Jessica Simpson and Angie Harmon and including several of the Kardashian sisters

43. Kathy Griffin’s head on a stake

44. Michael Avenatti’s head on a stake

45. Rosie O’Donnell’s whole body on a stake

46. Copy of Benito Mussolini’s “50 Foolproof Fearmongering Techniques For Scaring the Shit Out of the General Population and Declaring Martial Law”

47. Fresh mail order brides weekly, preferably of Eastern European descent

48. Unlimited personal pardoning power

49. Redevelopment of Camp David into private, 36-hole, world-class Trump golf course

50. Bedside copy of Mein Kampf (picture-book edition)

51. Forged Kenyan birth certificate for Barack Obama that’s convincing enough to get the former president and his family deported

52. The complete Fidel Castro revolutionary fatigue outfit for days when The Donald feels like becoming “a crazy Latino megalomaniac”

53. A party bag filled with Bashar al-Assad’s lethal chemical weapons in convenient spray bottles

54. A party bag filled with Vladimir Putin’s military grade nerve agent in convenient pill form

55. A party bag filled with OxyContin opioid products in a rapidly distributable, convenient tablet form to trigger overdose epidemics within large communities of minority populations

56. Standing order that all photographic images of Hair Fuhrer be “slenderized and youth-anized”

57. A kissable Presidential Ring and a long line of people puckered up for POTUS

58. A 12-class “ethnic cleansing” educational package taught by former Hutu tribal leaders from Rwanda

59. A throne

60. A gallows

61. A throne positioned for a good view of the gallows with Nancy Pelosi hanging from it

62. Kindle edition of The Dictator’s Handbook: A short course on retaining power long after your term is over

63. A doctor’s note stating that Donald Trump never urinates or defecates, a sign of his divine power

64. Induction into the Joseph Stalin Despot Hall of Fame

65. An imposing statue of Donald Trump erected in every American city and municipality with a population of more than 3500 citizens

66. Torture chambers

67. Gulags in Alaska and other cold places

68. Renaming of Queens, New York, the president’s hometown, to Drumpfberg, in honor of his original German family roots

69. Renaming of the White House to the Drumpf Palace, in honor of his original German family roots

70. A declaration that Donald Trump has the largest hands of anyone in the country (possibly in the world), as well as the largest crowds

71. New Pledge of Allegiance dedicated to Donald Trump and instituted in all U.S. public schools by September 2018

72. Crowds that faint at his sight, not out of horror, but from a swooning sense of awe and admiration



Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.


Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at

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