Truth In Satire
72 Birthday Gifts For The Wannabe Dictator Donald Trump
The president turns 72 today and here are all the gifts — one for every year of his infamous life — on the aspiring tyrant’s wish list
The faux POTUS celebrates his 72nd birthday today, June 14th.
He’ll have a special dictator’s birthday party later this afternoon complete with arsenic-laden cake for all the guests.
He also has a wish list of 72 great gifts ideas for a budding oppressor. Want to get on his good side, maybe become one of his elite oligarchs? Just order any of the goodies below at Despot.com and send it to President Adolf Twitler, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.:
- Smith & Wesson sidearm to wear like a puffed up general at public events
- Robert Mueller’s balls in a glass jar
- A big nuclear button, the biggest one they sell on Amazon
- Wall plaque embossed with the phrase “Do what I say, not what I do.”
- Weekly deliveries of the president’s favorite “Tyrant Tater Tots”
- Strict laws against smashing POTUS pinatas on The Donald’s birthday
- Bribable judges and buyable senators
- 100,000 pairs of wrist shackles, size small, for immigrant children seeking safety in the U.S.
9. Lots of “yes” men and “yes” women and “yes” executioners
10. Birthday parade complete with big tanks
11. One-touch, push-button shutdown of all media outlets
12. Easily revised Constitution
13. Dungeons
14. Complete, behind-the-scenes control of Frito-Lay, with overnight shipments of preferred snacks directly to the Oval Office
15. Legitimate-looking document on aged parchment declaring Benedict Donald supreme leader for life
16. Self-awarded military medals
17. Slaves
18. 10% kickback on any job, in any industry, ever performed in the United States
19. Password to wall safe at Fort Knox
20. Military-style epaulets on all his Italian suits
21. Obedience from everyone, especially CNN
22. Fewer sons with succession on their minds
23. Alec Baldwin installed as court jester in Trump White House, complete with tight-fitting, harlequin tights and joker’s hat
24. Infinite and absolute power, like God’s but without the principled behavior
25. Desktop copy of Mao Zedong’s “Purging Your Political Enemies For Fun And Profit”
26. A quick death for all dormant and/or aspiring heroes
27. Concrete shoes for Hillary Clinton
28. Honorary Grand Wizard status from the Ku Klux Klan
29. Atrocities check-list
30. More robot assassins like Russian-made Stephen Miller
31. A dozen believable excuses for declaring a nationwide “state of emergency” at a moment’s notice
32. White supremacist songbook
33. All day, every day Trump media network, aka ‘state television”
34. Hookers for all his bully buddies, just like Vlad offers
35. A place in hell for Samantha Bee
36. A hotter place in hell for Colin Kaepernick, with no place to kneel down
37. The hottest place in hell saved for smart aleck Robert De Niro
38. Conversion of U.S. Capitol building into the International Trump Family Museum
39. A mandate to “protect the people from themselves,” also known as squashing civil liberties
40. Currency with his image on it, preferably on the new $45 bill
41. His own movie studio for churning out self-congratulatory propaganda films
42. A stable of fawning celebrities, starting with Jessica Simpson and Angie Harmon and including several of the Kardashian sisters
43. Kathy Griffin’s head on a stake
44. Michael Avenatti’s head on a stake
45. Rosie O’Donnell’s whole body on a stake
46. Copy of Benito Mussolini’s “50 Foolproof Fearmongering Techniques For Scaring the Shit Out of the General Population and Declaring Martial Law”
47. Fresh mail order brides weekly, preferably of Eastern European descent
48. Unlimited personal pardoning power
49. Redevelopment of Camp David into private, 36-hole, world-class Trump golf course
50. Bedside copy of Mein Kampf (picture-book edition)
51. Forged Kenyan birth certificate for Barack Obama that’s convincing enough to get the former president and his family deported
52. The complete Fidel Castro revolutionary fatigue outfit for days when The Donald feels like becoming “a crazy Latino megalomaniac”
53. A party bag filled with Bashar al-Assad’s lethal chemical weapons in convenient spray bottles
54. A party bag filled with Vladimir Putin’s military grade nerve agent in convenient pill form
55. A party bag filled with OxyContin opioid products in a rapidly distributable, convenient tablet form to trigger overdose epidemics within large communities of minority populations
56. Standing order that all photographic images of Hair Fuhrer be “slenderized and youth-anized”
57. A kissable Presidential Ring and a long line of people puckered up for POTUS
58. A 12-class “ethnic cleansing” educational package taught by former Hutu tribal leaders from Rwanda
59. A throne
60. A gallows
61. A throne positioned for a good view of the gallows with Nancy Pelosi hanging from it
62. Kindle edition of The Dictator’s Handbook: A short course on retaining power long after your term is over
63. A doctor’s note stating that Donald Trump never urinates or defecates, a sign of his divine power
64. Induction into the Joseph Stalin Despot Hall of Fame
65. An imposing statue of Donald Trump erected in every American city and municipality with a population of more than 3500 citizens
66. Torture chambers
67. Gulags in Alaska and other cold places
68. Renaming of Queens, New York, the president’s hometown, to Drumpfberg, in honor of his original German family roots
69. Renaming of the White House to the Drumpf Palace, in honor of his original German family roots
70. A declaration that Donald Trump has the largest hands of anyone in the country (possibly in the world), as well as the largest crowds
71. New Pledge of Allegiance dedicated to Donald Trump and instituted in all U.S. public schools by September 2018
72. Crowds that faint at his sight, not out of horror, but from a swooning sense of awe and admiration
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COMRADE CHEETOLINO!
****
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
I read every comment. And I try to answer.
Thank you.
–AI
