Truth In Satire

7 Winter Olympic Events In Which The Trump Family Would Win Gold Medals

Half-Truth Snowboarding, Vice Hockey, and Snow Jobbing are some of the sports in which the Trump clan excels

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The Trump family of political athletes is ready for the extremest of Olympic winter sports. (Credit: weirtondailytimes.com)

If there were gold medals awarded in the following Olympic events, the Trump family would consistently be atop the winner’s podium:

Political Figure Skating: Skirting over and skating past the most important issues of the day is a favorite of the Trump clan. While Donald Sr. and his sons excel in this event, the pairs team of Jared and Ivanka will take to the ice for Team Trump and are certain to be in medal contention in Political Figure Skating.

Snow Jobbing: No one does a snow job on his political opponents, gullible supporters, business associates, friends, spouses, mistresses, and the general public like Donald J. Trump. There’s no need to field an entire Trump team for the Snow Jobbing event, as the Lyin’ King has this one locked up.

Half-Truth Snowboarding: Not to be confused with halfpipe snowboarding, the half-truth event requires unparalleled skill in falsification of the facts and fabricating fake news. While the senior Trump has always been a natural, son Don Jr. showed amazing prowess at the Olympic trials held in Washington, D.C. throughout 2017. He’ll represent his family in telling half-truths against top international competitors from Russia, Turkey, the Philippines, and Hungary.

Vice Hockey: The Trumps actually invented Vice Hockey in Germany in the 1930s to hide the loot gained from their immoral criminal activities in prostitution, pornography, tax evasion, and drugs. The sport involved putting the proceeds from illegal Trump activities inside small wooden boxes, shuffling them down frozen rivers, streams, and canals, and then stashing them in Trump “safehouses” located throughout the fatherland. Their skills in Vice Hockey continue to this day and the gold digger wife of Eric Trump, Lara, has emerged as the family champion in this event.

Skeleton In The Closet Event: The Olympic Skeleton competition that most fans are familiar with involves death-defying athletes riding a tiny sled down an icy track while lying face down and headfirst. This is not the event the Trump family competes in. Their version of skeleton involves burying decades of unsavory acts and high crimes in a hallway closet at the White House and blackmailing hundreds of GOP legislators to cover their tracks. While any of the Trump relations could successfully compete in this event, it is Melania, with her suspicious background as a “fashion model” and her falsified immigration papers, who will be going for the gold in Skeleton In The Closet.

Moguls Freestyle Ski-Planing: The Trump variant of moguls freestyle skiing involves wealthy family members illegally laundering money and then escaping to freedom on ski-planes parked on the closest body of water. All the Trumps are trained to be experts in Moguls Ski-Planing at an early age, a tradition first started by the president’s rich father, Fred, who was constantly dodging the police.

Snowflake Shooting Biathlon: The traditional biathlon combines cross-country skiing and target shooting. The Trumps have modified this sport to involve shooting “snowflakes” (right-wing terminology for liberals) with Don Jr.’s arsenal of big game rifles, then snowmobiling to the next target station to shoot more snowflakes. Don Jr., along with his wife Vanessa, are expected to be the odds-on favorite in this year’s Snowflake Shooting Biathlon event.

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The Trump’s excel at a five-ring circus of Olympic events they practically invented.

The Winter Olympics are great fun and our First Family is bringing many new dimensions to this once every four years event. It’s the Trump’s very own five-ring circus.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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