Truth In Satire

60 Million Democrats Sign On To New Year’s Eve Suicide Pact

“This should put to rest any doubts about the unity of our party in the aftermath of the election,” said Senator Chuck Schumer

First word of a suicide pact filtered through the floor of New York’s Javits Center the night of the election, once the outcome was clear. Paula Lombardi (second from right, dark glasses) mentioned the idea in a weak moment to Democratic strategist Mark Wagner (far right), and from there the idea of eternal relief spread like wildfire.

Responding to accusations that the Democratic party is divided and directionless after Hillary Clinton’s devastating loss to Donald Trump, Democratic leaders are calling for a powerful demonstration of party solidarity.

The new Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer says he’ll be first in line for the hemlock on New Year’s Eve, “ to show the country that Democrats stand, fight, and die together.”

“Unification around this suicide pact by registered Democrats and progressive voters who opposed Mr. Trump is an unequivocal statement that we are ready to bite the big one for our party,” said Harry Reid, outgoing Senate Minority Leader. “Like soldiers at the front lines of a battle, Democrats are willing to take this fight to the bitter end… the absolute, final, bitter end.”

“We know who we are and we know what we stand for,” said Vice-President Joe Biden, speaking before a morbid crowd in Philadelphia. “And just as my Pops used to say back in Scranton…Joey, if you can’t beat ’em, kill yourself.”