Truth In Satire

60 Million Democrats Sign On To New Year’s Eve Suicide Pact

“This should put to rest any doubts about the unity of our party in the aftermath of the election,” said Senator Chuck Schumer

First word of a suicide pact filtered through the floor of New York’s Javits Center the night of the election, once the outcome was clear. Paula Lombardi (second from right, dark glasses) mentioned the idea in a weak moment to Democratic strategist Mark Wagner (far right), and from there the idea of eternal relief spread like wildfire.

Responding to accusations that the Democratic party is divided and directionless after Hillary Clinton’s devastating loss to Donald Trump, Democratic leaders are calling for a powerful demonstration of party solidarity.

The new Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer says he’ll be first in line for the hemlock on New Year’s Eve, “ to show the country that Democrats stand, fight, and die together.”

“Unification around this suicide pact by registered Democrats and progressive voters who opposed Mr. Trump is an unequivocal statement that we are ready to bite the big one for our party,” said Harry Reid, outgoing Senate Minority Leader. “Like soldiers at the front lines of a battle, Democrats are willing to take this fight to the bitter end… the absolute, final, bitter end.”

“We know who we are and we know what we stand for,” said Vice-President Joe Biden, speaking before a morbid crowd in Philadelphia. “And just as my Pops used to say back in Scranton…Joey, if you can’t beat ’em, kill yourself.”

Because of her outpouring of emotion on election night, and an unrelenting sense of doom and despair since, Molly Kennelly (right) was invited by the Democratic National Party to be honorary chairwoman for the simultaneous, nationwide mass suicide event.

James Carville, usually a scrappy defender of the left-leaning Democratic message, who has never backed away from a political fight, tried to prepare the party faithful at a death rally in his home state of Louisiana.

“Now you just listen to me here, folks,” barked Carville. “Who the fuck wants to live in a country where a bunch of race-baiting, immigrant-hating, environment-killing, gun-loving, women-molesting, tax-cheating, hair-dying sons-of-bitches are running the show? Not this southern boy. Just pass me the kill potion, people, because this is not the proud, free, and tolerant America that I want to live in.”

Speaking from the White House, President Obama said the First Family would not be joining in the mass suicide event on New Year’s Eve. “Look, I promised Michelle and the girls we’d take a long vacation at the end of January and then I want to come back and spend my $40 million book advance. Besides, I didn’t blow the goddamn election, Hillary did. Let her go kill herself.”

Beyonce and Jay-Z are just two of the big names who’ll be singing more than 60 million Democrats off to heaven…or hell, or wherever they’re destined to spend eternity.

Not all is bleak for Democrats, however, as a blowout “End Of Life” concert is being planned for December 31st on the National Mall in Washington. Headliners include Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga, to name a few.

Legendary entertainers Sir Elton John and Cher will perform a new song together just before midnight titled, appropriately, “Countdown to Death, But For A Good Cause” written by Paul Anka.

As this will be the last performance that any of these celebrated artists will ever give, concert promoters are suggesting that you purchase tickets early and settle your affairs before arriving in Washington.

Thanks for reading — AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at

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