Truth In Satire

33 Things You’ll Never Hear Out Of Donald Trump’s Mouth

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“Never shall the following leave my lips.” (Credit: A Libertarian Future)
  1. Melania, please, you first.

2. I won’t make my final decision until I’ve read the entire bill.

3. Could you please pass the kale?

4. Ivanka, put your clothes back on.

5. A free press is the fourth pillar of this democracy — and I won’t stand for anyone denigrating its vital role in the inviolability of our republic.

6. Let’s give him a second chance.

7. Nuclear weapons! Are you insane! Think of your children, and your children’s children!

8. It’s not all about me.

9. Women represent half the population of the United States, and I plan to be the first president to give them 50% representation in my administration.

10. I’m starting to feel like Steve Bannon might not have the best interests of our country at heart.

11. If I don’t get my usual seven or eight hours, I’m bonkers the next day.

12. I think it’s only right that Don Jr. and Eric serve in the military…as I did.

13. In this job, you have to keep your sense of humor or you lose all perspective.

14. Mar-a-Lago? This weekend? But, honey, I have work to do and the taxpayers are counting on me.

15. It’s not about the money, it’s about the satisfaction of a job well done.

16. Tell Mr. Mueller to pull out all stops to get to the bottom of this Russian collusion business asap.

17. Walls aren’t protective, they’re imprisoning. Let’s find another way!

18. Fruit Loops? No, thanks, I’ll have the acai bowl.

19. You know what I always say, haste makes waste.

20. Diplomacy first, military action as a last resort.

21. Who would I like to have dinner with, alive or dead? Hmm, probably Georg Simmel, the 19th Century sociologist and philosopher. I’ve always been fascinated by Simmel’s pioneering analyses of social individuality and fragmentation, using the neo-Kantian approach.

22. Hurry, we’ll be late for yoga class.

23. As you know, Article 4, Section 2 of the Constitution states…

24. I think I’ll stay home tonight and settle in with a good book.

25. Hillary, it’s Don, can I get your advice on a difficult situation we’re facing in the Baltics?

26. Barack, it’s Don, can I get your thoughts on this infrastructure solution that’s hit a logjam?

27. Mad Dog, it’s Don — obviously you and the other generals know more about ISIS than I do. Can you stop by the Oval today to give me the consensus opinion on next steps?

28. Nobel Peace Prize? Why, thank you, I’m honored.

29. No, I tried it your way, Jared. The people expect thoughtful, considered communications from their president, not impulsive, harum-scarum, easily misinterpreted tweets!

30. I’m just going to throw on a pair of shorts, slip into my Crocs, and head out to Michelle’s garden to pull some weeds — that always relaxes me.

31. When I was a Boy Scout…

32. If I’m not mistaken, the French-Korean Treaty of 1882 could serve as a template for finding common ground with our North Korean counterparts today.

33. Huge? No. Let’s not get crazy with the hyperbole. In fact, I had a modest election win, which is why I need to work harder to win the trust of all Americans.


Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.


Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at

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