Truth In Satire

317 Trump Insiders Have Kremlin Ties, Including White House Kitchen Staff

Jared Kushner’s 3rd cousin once removed is only remaining Trump associate not getting rich off Russia, Mueller investigation reveals

In a stunning development, special counsel Robert Mueller is said to be preparing indictments for 317 Trump associates in the White House, including the entire kitchen staff.

“It turns out practically everyone in Trump’s administration is getting rich off Russia,” said an assistant prosecutor in Mueller’s office, speaking off the record. “If you’re a Trump staffer and you’re not making big bucks from your Kremlin ties, you’re basically considered a schmuck by everyone else working in the White House.”

The Mueller prosecutor added that “the only person we’ve been able to absolve in this Russia investigation is a 3rd cousin of Jared Kushner’s once removed. He appears to be the last remaining Trump associate not making a killing by paving the way for Russia to take over the American government.”

Asked how the Mueller team was able to implicate chefs and servers on the White House kitchen crew, the prosecutor answered, “That was easy. Sometime around mid-July the menu changed at the White House to include lots of beef stroganoff, borscht, blinies, kasha, and golubtsy. Those aren’t typically dishes that Mr. Trump enjoys, so it was a clear tip-off that there was a significant amount of Russian influence inside the White House. The quality of the dishes was also excellent, suggesting there might be a Russian connoisseur on premises.”

Secret recordings taken inside the White House also captured dozens of Trump staffers greeting each other with the Russian phrase, “Dobroe utro,” instead of the standard English,“Good morning.”

One Trump cabinet member, Energy Secretary Rick Perry, may avoid prosecution along with the Kushner cousin. Although the evidence is not yet conclusive, Mueller’s team believes that Mr. Perry may have missed the first “Russian Investors Club” meeting held in the Oval Office by the president in late January. As a result, he may be living on his government salary alone (the schmuck), which a review of his bank accounts will confirm.

The 317 indictments could be handed down as early as next month, a pre-holiday evisceration of the Trump administration that would leave the White House vacant by Christmas, and free of vermin.


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