21 Reasons Why Donald Trump Jr. Never Smiles
Growing up in the shadow of his father’s hair shelf is just one reason why the president’s first born wears a perpetual frown
#1. The pain of hemorrhoids is no laughing matter.
#2: Someone watched too many Steven Seagal movies growing up.
#3. He suffers from “Resting Bastard Face.”
#4. In the cutthroat world of New York real estate a smile is code for “we allow black and minority tenants in our rental buildings” — so no sane landlord ever smiles.
#5. When you’re the heir to a throne, you don’t want your future subjects thinking you’re a pushover — better to go with the solemn, 2nd generation prick face.
#6. Someone is always about to punch Junior in the face, so he keeps his mouth closed to lose fewer teeth.
#7. Smiling is for faggots. And Donald Trump Jr. ain’t no faggot. Although he sometimes sits on a log like a faggot.
#8. His mother, Ivana, who is from Transylvania, taught him early on that keeping his lips closed in public was the best way to hide those big vampire incisors.
#9. Would you smile, ever again, if your creepy pervert father was caught on tape saying he liked to grab women’s pussies?
#10. The last time he tried to smile it looked more like he was trying to blow someone, and that just wasn’t attractive.
#11. As he walks through the streets of New York where he is considered a traitor and sewer scum — where women rush to dump their coffee on him, and men try to head-butt him between the shoulder blades — it’s best that he not attract unnecessary attention with trifles like a grin, a smile, or a chuckle.
#12. A solemn adult face makes him look smarter than his lobotomized younger brother.
#13. Keeping tight-lipped is the only way to swallow back the bile that rises up in your throat when you’re reminded that your last name is Trump.
#14. Misery and gloom runs in the family.
#15. He is having a contest with his brother — first one to laugh has to give his inheritance to the other.
#16. Smiling doesn’t go with the macho image of the fearless African big game hunter. (Note: the unarmed Cape buffalo in this photo isn’t smiling either.)
#17. Junior is super sad that the entire country of Scotland hates him and his family — and if Scotland is against you, Wales, Ireland, and Great Britain can’t be far behind.
#18. He’s seriously considering a bid for Mayor of New York City in 2017 — and he believes that if he smiles, even once, he’ll appear as feather-brained and frivolous as he really is.
#19. He hasn’t smiled since he learned that Jared Kushner has assumed the position of favored son.
#20. If there is any question about the validity of #8, here you can see brother Eric accidentally smiling and revealing the big vampire incisors. Good thing Don Jr. always remembers this anti-vampire injunction.
#21. And the most important reason why Donald Trump Jr. never smiles — because when he does it looks like this.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
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