Truth In Satire
20 Logical Explanations For Why Donald Trump Keeps Promoting His Unqualified Son-In-Law
Why is President Trump giving his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, more influence and power in his administration, despite the fact that the young Pharisee is unproven, undeserving, and has no experience?
Here’s why:
- Because Ivanka told her father, “no carrot for Jared, no cha-cha for papa.”
- President Trump owes the Kushner family $2.5 billion in delinquent dowry payments.
- It makes Steve Bannon’s facial pustules explode, which always sends the president into peals of laughter.
- The Jews promised enormous contributions to the Trump Foundation if Jared was groomed to be the first kosher president.
- It really pisses off the despised double-spawn, Eric and Donnie Jr.
- Jared Kushner’s real name is Anatoly Putin (I know, can you believe it?!).
- President Trump keeps hoping that when he sends Jared over to Iraq as his “top man” to “check on the troops” there might be an “accident,” leaving Ivanka in need of “comfort.”
- Jared promised the president “dimple lessons” with every promotion he receives.
- When the Russian palace of poop finally hits the fan, the President needs Jared close by so he has a senior White House adviser to conveniently throw under the bus.
- Kushner’s father bought Jared’s acceptance into Harvard with a $2.5 million gift to the university, while Trump’s father bought Donald’s way into the University of Pennsylvania. So by the president’s logic, they’re like “two Ivy League peas in a fraud.”
- Joshua Kushner, Jared’s younger brother, runs Oscar Health Insurance and the president thinks with a little cunning he can dump the entire healthcare fiasco on him.
- Every president needs a food taster and Jared will eat anything.
- Kushner doubles as President Trump’s hot yoga instructor and the president can’t live without his daily asanas practice.
- As a freshman at Harvard, Jared spent one semester as a member of the Institute of Politics, which is one semester more than anyone else in Trump’s administration, so he’s automatically become an indispensable expert.
- Mr. Trump believes Kushner can broker a peace deal between the Israelis and Palestinians, burnishing the president’s reputation as an artful dealmaker and making him more famous than Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s character on Veep.
- Jared swings a golf club like a total candy-ass, which leaves the president’s game looking almost respectable.
- When Kushner’s father, Charles, went to jail in 2005 for tax evasion, witness tampering, and illegal campaign donations, Jared successfully took over the family business. President Trump figures Kushner can do the same for his family when he goes to jail.
- The president appreciates that Jared is the only person in his entire administration who can properly tie a Windsor knot.
- Jared owns a bootleg copy of the “golden shower” videotape.
- The Kushners own the office building 666 Fifth Avenue in Manhattan. The president thinks this may prove useful if he has to renew his deal with the devil.
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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.
I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.
Thank you.
–AI
