Truth In Satire

17 Things On Tucker Carlson’s Mind As He Replaces Bill O’Reilly At Fox News

“Now that I’m on prime time, I hope Fox upgrades the Tucker Carlson Tonight logo that I drew freehand in Magic Marker.“ (Credit: Time.com)

1. O’Reilly’s chair smells like old farts mixed with bombast and bourbon.
2. So who’s “a dick” now, Jon Stewart?
3. Was kinda hoping Megyn Kelly would still be around, but at least they’ve dumped that Greta Van Transvestite.

Carlson replaces the disgraced Fox News star and TV’s #1 pompous windbag, Bill O’Reilly, who is also the fake author of several bestselling books ghost written for him.

4. The Fox “Prime Time Host Handbook” says I have to become an inveterate misogynist if I ever hope to get an exclusive interview with President Pussy Grabber, but that just seems so…I don’t know…O’Reilly-ish.

5. Who would have thought that the son of Richard Carlson — a former TV news anchor, U.S. Ambassador to the Seychelles, once president of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and a Director of Voice of America — would ever get a chance to host his own prime time show on Fox! It just proves that anyone can make it in America.

6. What a career boost this standard necktie is giving me! I knew my father’s advice about bow ties was just fucking stupid.

7. My job at Fox is to make Donald Trump not look like a total douchebag. My job at Fox is to make Donald…