Truth In Satire

17 Things On Tucker Carlson’s Mind As He Replaces Bill O’Reilly At Fox News

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“Now that I’m on prime time, I hope Fox upgrades the Tucker Carlson Tonight logo that I drew freehand in Magic Marker.“ (Credit: Time.com)
  1. O’Reilly’s chair smells like old farts mixed with bombast and bourbon.
  2. So who’s “a dick” now, Jon Stewart?
  3. Was kinda hoping Megyn Kelly would still be around, but at least they’ve dumped that Greta Van Transvestite.

4. The Fox “Prime Time Host Handbook” says I have to become an inveterate misogynist if I ever hope to get an exclusive interview with President Pussy Grabber, but that just seems so…I don’t know…O’Reilly-ish.

5. Who would have thought that the son of Richard Carlson — a former TV news anchor, U.S. Ambassador to the Seychelles, once president of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and a Director of Voice of America — would ever get a chance to host his own prime time show on Fox! It just proves that anyone can make it in America.

6. What a career boost this standard necktie is giving me! I knew my father’s advice about bow ties was just fucking stupid.

7. My job at Fox is to make Donald Trump not look like a total douchebag. My job at Fox is to make Donald Trump not look like a total douchebag. My job at Fox is to make…

8. If this doesn’t go well, I could always sexually harass a bunch of women, collect a $40 million exit settlement like Ailes did.

9. Does anyone around here realize my stepmother is Patricia Caroline Swanson — the Swanson frozen-food heiress?! I am like TV dinner royalty, goddammit!

10. From Mr. Nobody to network savior in just three months — looks like my presidential ambitions aren’t so far-fetched after all.

11. Rupert says if I do a good job, he might leave me a British tabloid or two.

12. Maybe I should change “Tucker” to something more adult-sounding now that I’m in prime time? Britt? Wolff? Brian?

13. O’Reilly’s timing could not have been better — another week and I might have signed that contract to replace Vanna White on Wheel Of Fortune.

14. I just hope my golden shower video stays safely in the basement of the Zeta Psi fraternity house at Trinity College.

15. I give Sean Hannity three months before a sheep, a horse, or some other innocent farm animal sues him for molestation — then it’s Tucker Carlson Tonight, 8–11pm weekdays!

16. Let’s see Anderson Cooper hang onto his precious gay demographic now that I’m closing in from behind.

17. When it comes right down to it, I guess the real problem with The O’Reilly Factor was the O’Reilly factor.

****

I read every comment.

Thank you.

–AI

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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