Former administration officials revealed Monday that President Barack Obama personally urged President-Elect Trump not to give Michael Flynn a position in his new administration’s national security team.
The former Obama insiders added that during the customary post-election meeting held in the Oval Office on November 10th, Mr. Obama told the incoming president to be mindful of other critical issues.
Here are some of the most salient, in the former president’s own words:
- Don, there’s a ghost in the basement. From the content of his crazy rantings at night, I’m guessing it’s Andrew Jackson. If I were you, I’d sing his praises publicly right from the get-go. You don’t want to be on this ghoul’s bad side.
2. Promise me you won’t go turning Michele’s vegetable garden into a putting green or something equally crass. My lady can be all smiley faces and big hugs, but if you fuck with those veggies, she’s going to come down here and whoop your flabby ass.
3. See that loose board by the fireplace? Jack Kennedy left a notebook of unfinished speeches behind there. Every president since JFK has borrowed phrases from that private journal — but use only one or two sentences at a time, Don, don’t go ripping entire pages out of the book.
4. This is an old house and the walls are thin. If you fart down here in the Oval Office, it sounds like a tuba upstairs in the master bedroom. And I’ll be honest with you, Don, you look like a big time tooter.
5. The third step on the Grand Staircase creaks like a motherfucker. It got Bill Clinton into a heap of trouble. So if you’re sneaking in with some late night tart, take the back stairs — don’t go anywhere near the main entrance.
6. If I could offer you two critical pieces of advice for surviving your presidency, Don, it would be to get daily exercise and plenty of sleep. Neglect either one and you’re going to start making boneheaded mistakes and uttering stupidities that will doom you to being the worst president in American history.
7. Nothing will humanize you or your presidency like having a White House pet, preferably a dog, man’s best friend. To be honest, I waited too long to get the Bo and Sunny. Any idea what breed you’ll pick? (NOTE: NOT APPLICABLE. NO DOGS ALLOWED IN OR NEAR TRUMP WHITE HOUSE.)
8. If you use the table saw in the shed, be sure to grab that block of hickory wood I left as a plank guide. You don’t want those fingers ending up any smaller than they already are.
9. I know I’ve said it a few times today, Don, but that Kim Jong-un of North Korea — complete mental case, like they used his brain for kickboxing practice then reinserted it backwards. Mention the words “nuclear weapons” around Kim and you’ll start World War III. So go strictly diplomatic route with this guy, understand? Look at me, Donald, did you hear what I said?
10. You’ll be getting briefed on relevant nepotism laws today, of course. But in my opinion, if you just keep your son-in-law and daughter out of the Oval Office and far away from government business, you’ll be good.
11. Forgive me, Don, for stating the obvious, but this one point has been passed along personally and verbally to each of the 43 presidents that came before us, dating back to George Washington — cooperate with and do all you can to strengthen America’s free press. It’s the single most important principle of our democracy.
12. I know Melania is going to make cyberbullying a main focus as First Lady. Love it. But don’t hide her upstairs. Let her use the small office next to the White House press room as her main base, a sort of “Cyberbullying Central.” She’ll get lots of media attention for her cause that way. (NOTE: NOT APPLICABLE. NO FIRST LADIES ALLOWED IN OR NEAR TRUMP WHITE HOUSE.)
13. And one more thought related to Melania. Always walk side-by-side or a few feet behind her, never in front. The nation hates it when a First Lady is disrespected. (NOTE: NOT APPLICABLE. NO FIRST LADIES ALLOWED IN OR NEAR TRUMP WHITE HOUSE.)
14. Like I said, it’s an old house, old plumbing. Whatever gooey product you’re using to hold that hairpiece in place, don’t ever pour that shit down the sink. You’ll flood every bathroom in the place.
15. Wait, is that adhesive tape under your tie? Oh geezus, Don, no, absolutely not, lose the tape right now — that’s not even close to presidential.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
I read every comment. And I try to answer.