President Donald Trump welcomed the first grandchild born during his presidency Wednesday morning, tweeting, “This is absolutely the world’s most amazing baby, really high quality.”
The boy, a hefty 12-lbs, 6-oz, is the first child of Trump’s middle son, Eric, and his wife, Lara. He was named Eric Luke Trump, but will be called “Luke.” Witnesses to the birth said the newborn has his grandfather’s orange hair, puckered lips, and baffled expression
While the president seemed delighted with the birth of his ninth grandchild, calling the occasion, “worthy of a national holiday,” he also used the moment to outline some broad policy initiatives, introduced in the form of personal promises to his newest grandson.
According to a White House press statement, these are the pledges that Mr. Trump made to the guiltless, blameless and, as of this writing, benign newborn:
- I am going to destroy ISIS. I promise you that by the time you get that silver spoon out of your mouth and start pre-pre-pre-preschool next week, there will be no towel heads running around threatening to stuff plastic explosive Play-Doh down your throat and use you as in improvised explosive.
- You’ll never have to eat your vegetables. And that’s over my dead body. I’m the healthiest president in the history of America and I survive very nicely on red meat, Vienna Lady Fingers, Cheetos, and Coco Puffs. But no booze or cigarettes! You do the same, youngster, and you’ll be the fittest fighter in the First Family.
- I’m moving the Mexicans to Brazil. This is going to be so good for America, Luke. Here’s how it’s going to work: Brazil needs our money, right? And the Mexicans live too close to our borders, okay? So I’m paying Brazil to take the Mexicans into their country, comprendo? That way, when you grow up, you won’t have to hang out with any Juans or Manuels or Yolandas. Just Daphnes, Dillons, and Derricks. That’s called dealmaking…world-class, big league dealmaking.
- You won’t have to go to school. I hated school. All that reading and studying sucked. But I did like scaring the shit out of the nerds and chasing the skirts. So we’ll keep that part but get rid of the books, the tests, the education, all that boring stuff. Betsy DeVos is seeing to it.
- You’ll never pay taxes. Taxes are for schmucks. You’re in the 1% and I’m eliminating taxes on the 1% forever. It’s going to be so easy for you, little fella. You just make your billions unscrupulously and let the people who have car payments, over-extended credit cards, and unaffordable health care insurance pay those nasty taxes. That’s how it works here in America, Luke — the rich don’t pay taxes — and I plan to uphold that venerable tradition. You can count on me.
- North Korea will be nothing more than a really flat, slightly radioactive back nine. Grandpa has a big surprise for the whole world. Before your first birthday, I’m going to light up the planet with a dazzling luminescence. Not 1000 points of light— I’m talking about a 100-megaton flash point. One that will create a very large, unpopulated tract of land on the Korean peninsula that you and the other scions can turn into a Trump International Golf Club and Ionized Spa Resort.
- I want you to have the big covfefe. The other grandkids won’t like it, they’ll bitch and moan, but I definitely want to give it to you. I would even put that in my will if I had one, but because I’m immortal, I’ll never die. So take the large covfefe and use it on your enemies. My own covfefe has served me well, and now you’ll have a big one of your own.
- Mika and Joe, Keith and Katy Tur won’t be on the air to push the Trumps around anymore. Read my lips, little fellow, the fake news media will be a thing of the past. You and the other grandchildren will own America’s only state television station, the Trump Imperial Network (TIN), formerly known as Fox News. With that kind of influence, every time you spit up it will make the evening news…the ratings will be off the charts for your poop and spittle!
- You’ll be more than rich, you’ll be Russia rich. I’m working on some deals right now that are going to make you a true American oligarch — do you know what an oligarch is, coochee coochee coo? Let’s just say if someone like a James Comey or a Robert Mueller get in your way, you’ll have the means to make them disappear. Poof. That’s what it means to be Russia rich.
- Women will be much less hostile and resistant to you. Just wait until you’re a teenager, son. I am systematically minimizing or eliminating all the gains the little ladies have made in the past 30 years. That Title IX crap is going out the window. Your grandfather is going to succeed in moving that glass ceiling so far out of reach, not even Michele Obama standing on Shaquille’s shoulders will be able to break it. So you can rest easy, my boy, because you’ll be free to grab the panty hamster all you want.
- For protection, I’m giving you the keys to Uncle Donnie’s gun locker. I’m talking about my protection. But don’t tell anyone I gave them to you. Keep it between you and me. Grandpa needs a loyal family member to watch his back, one who I can trust to do what needs to be done. Prove to me you’re that person, Luke — bend a chubby knee right now and take a blood oath of loyalty to Papa POTUS. Your finger might get a little orangy-red when I make the wound here…but don’t cry, that’s the color of a true Trump.
- Luke, I am your grandfather. You are a Trump, and that makes you better than everybody else. You are free to step on the little people, bully minorities, abuse women, and tow away anyone who blocks your parking spot. As my grandson, you are protected. And if you do anything really stupid, I’ll pardon you. Together, Luke, we can control the universe!
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.